Arg!

"For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to bring you a hope and a future."

This verse has been my scripture throughout my college life...since I was a freshy. God's been constantly whispering this to my heart, and lately it's been a lot stronger because of everything that's been going on. I'm so thankful to my Lord and Savior for all that He's done for me and mine.

I got a call early Thursday morning from my dad saying that Grandpa was in the ICU because of his heart and he was on his way to the hospital. Right after I hung up with my dad, I got a call from my Nanny that my Aunt Leslie who lives in Jacksonville, Florida got caught in the hurricane. She was driving and her SUV got flung against a tree and there's nothing left of it. She was taken to the emergency room and it didn't look good, but she's only got a broken collar bone. The doctor's say she's lucky because the collar bone would've punctured her lung. I say she's blessed, luck has nothing to do with it. See, my aunt's not a Christian and she's been going through a lot. Recently, after leading a Captivating group on campus I really felt lead to send the book to her. I gave a copy to my Nanny who sent it and God's really working on her heart. He's got big plans for my Aunt Leslie. The weird thing....both of these things happened around 4:30 that morning.

All these to say, school hasn't even started yet and already my life is unfolding. lol. I can't do anything but laugh. Even though this semester's got my stomach in knots, even though I feel so lost and alone, I have to laugh. While I may look at this as being excluded or ignored...God is using this time of seeming loneliness to speak to my heart. God is wanting an audience with...me. And by all means, I'm here. For so long I've cried out to God to speak to me, to work in me, to set me apart and use me. How can I pass this moment up just because of fears, worries, and what people do to me? I'm a child of THE King, and that has and should impact my life.

School's about to start. Something in my gut tells me that I need to prepare myself for what lies ahead. There are going to be tremendous amounts of "loneliness" where I feel I have no one to turn to, or no where to run. But I know that's not true. My friends may fail me, but I don't fault them that. People may act "heartless", but I know that it's just a facade. As children of God, you do care, you have to care. It's in caring that you ARE like Him.

I'm not perfect. Even though every day I strive to be....God wants so much more than perfection. He wants my love, my desire, my all to be for Him. He wants to be wanted as much as I do! And I want to want Him with all that I have, nothing held back. No matter what life hurtles my way, I stand wrapped in the arms of my Best Friend and Lover.

For what does it profit a man to gain the world, but lose his soul?

The Shack

Recently I just got through reading this amazing book! (the title of my post in case you don't know). This book, though labeled fiction, is so true and real. While I was reading this book, I felt that I was Mack, that I was the one in the presence of the Almighty...and that Papa had chosen me to be there with Him to just..be. Man, a shout out to one of my bestest Holly! My relationship with Papa has changed in personal way that I had been looking for!
Now I'm aware of His presence, even when I don't know it. lol. He's all around me!! He knows me. He loves me. He desires me. Wow. God created me to enjoy me. God chose me.
Man. I love it! It reminded me of the song by Lifehouse, "Everything" which I love!
Find Me Here, Speak to me.
I want to feel you, I need to hear you.
You are the light that is leading me
to the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking,
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the life to my soul, you are my purpose.
You are everything. And how can i stand here with
You and not be moved by you? Would You tell me
how could it be any better than this? You calm the
storms, You give me rest. You hold me in Your hands.
You won't let me fall, You still my heart, You take my
breath away. Would You take me in, would You take
me deeper now 'cause You're all I want. You are all I
need. You are everything.
Also, I realized something while on the website. Someone wrote something that really really stuck. When I go through things in this life that hurt me terribly, I don't have to do what that pain and hurt tell me. God knows that hurt and feels it too. Gah! There's just too much thought to put on this post but I thought I would at least post something. lol. It's probably so scattered that its not even understandable, but this book is my #1. I would say that Bible is...but that wouldn't be very honest of me. I am however doing me best to dive deeper into the words of my Papa!!! (God) lol. Life...just got sweeter.

Future

Lately I've just felt like some thing's getting closer...and it's a good something. I dunno if it's because of the book I just got through reading that's giving me this emotion but I just feel...expectant and hopeful. That change is about to happen and it's going to change the norm for me.

The other night I was alone in the apartment and I couldn't sleep so I did what I normally do. I just started talking to God in a small whisper. I talked about my day, my hopes, my dreams. Suddenly I got a strong urge to talk to God about my future husband. I don't even know if he's out there but I just got the urge to pray anyway. So I did. While I was praying, I decided it wouldn't hurt to give God my "wish list", or more like recommendations that must be there along with a few minor details. I've never been the type of girl to talk about what I call "froo froo" things. I mean, sure, in the back of my mind I've always thought about marriage and stuff...but I have dreams that are more pressing than that.

Here's how I see it:

I want to be able to do things without worrying about if it will hurt "his" feelings, or if it will interrupt "his" schedule. I guess right now I'm just too selfish with my own dreams before I can worry about others dreams. I want to be able to travel without thinking about what I've left behind; it's already going to be tough leaving family to go into the Great Unknown. I don't and I won't be the reason for anyone to put their dreams on hold for me, not that I think that highly of myself, I've just seen it happen.

But still...that feeling of expectancy still hasn't gone away since I prayed that prayer. I don't know what it means and I feel childish posting this post, but oh well.
"It's my post and I can do what I want" :) The change that's coming doesn't necessarily coincide with my prayer that night, but it's something different I assure you.

Still...I can't help but wonder what's coming....