Chased a sunset today.
Got lost a couple of times but I ended on a hill, front row to the wonderful view I tried so hard to find. Guess what?
I saw the face of God.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
This Road
I've been trying to prepare my heart for the trip I'm taking for Youth In Mission. Being forgetful, I forgot my Bible at the school and I've been borrowing my mom's but it's not the same are your own personal Bible. I've got my notes and things that I want to look at that my mom doesn't have in hers, though it's not her fault. So, instead I've been reading my Jars of Clay book that I got many, many, many, moons ago. It's called The Narrow Road and it's about their song This Road. This book is about how the song relates to their travels to Vietnam and China as they went underground to experience the persecuted churches there in those countries. When the band returned to the states, they dedicated the song to the persecuted church and challenged believers to join in prayer for the ministry of our persecuted brothers and sisters. They remind us that we are ALL called to travel this road together. I'll post the lyrics at the end of my entry but as I've been reading this book I'm reminded of where my heart was many years ago. My heart was there, with my persecuted brothers and sisters around the world. My heart was with those millions of miles away. What has hidden that desire today? FEAR.
During my devotions to prepare myself for this amazing experience, I've found out something that's saddened me deeply. I've changed. I know people change as they get older, but there's something inside of me that has changed that God has gifted me with, that I've been embarrassed about.
The gift of Compassion.
Growing up, I was always called the "soft-hearted" one. I accepted it but then I got older and realized how sensitive I was. I was always crying about something or another and I began to look around. I didn't like being thought of as someone that would cry at the drop of a hat, and whether or not others saw me in this light, I thought they did and saw myself that way. So, I hardened myself over time. I would still cry with friends when needed, that was something I didn't want to EVER change. But being so emotional and sensitive about everything else, THAT I wanted desperately to change. As I was pondering over this change in me, I've come to realize that, although I was probably never meant to harden myself, that God can soften my heart again. I don't want to be someone that doesn't feel for others. I had the heart of God and I desired to change it. Crazy! My prayers now, are for God to mold my heart into His once more. I've matured in my sensitivity, and I'm thankful, but I want to hurt with others, I want to feel with them like I was meant too.
So, back the book. haha. I'm easily sidetracked. While reading this amazing book, I've come across some pretty eye-opening revelations. The main question I've realized is this:
Is my God big enough to speak into tragedy with laughter? Do I see the joy in suffering?
Honestly, I've answered no. It's so hard to see the laughter when your crying buckets of tears, and it's difficult to have joy in your heart while it's breaking. But it's POSSIBLE. I'm willing to try, to have that mustered seed of faith that's talked so much about, but never seen.
I'm praying that God will open my eyes to this among other things. It's all about His timing and His perfect will. Who knows? This trip may be the calling that I've put on the back burner for many years. Blessings friends.
This Road
All heavy laden
acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow
carry us home.
From alabaster,
come blessings of laughter
a fragrance of passion
joy from the truth.
Grant the unbroken
tears ever flowing.
From hearts of contrition
only for You.
May sin never hold true
that love never broke thru
For God's mercy holds us
and we are His own.
This road that we travel
may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You
All the day
shelter with fire
Our voices we raise still higher
God gave us peace and grace from You
All the day thru
During my devotions to prepare myself for this amazing experience, I've found out something that's saddened me deeply. I've changed. I know people change as they get older, but there's something inside of me that has changed that God has gifted me with, that I've been embarrassed about.
The gift of Compassion.
Growing up, I was always called the "soft-hearted" one. I accepted it but then I got older and realized how sensitive I was. I was always crying about something or another and I began to look around. I didn't like being thought of as someone that would cry at the drop of a hat, and whether or not others saw me in this light, I thought they did and saw myself that way. So, I hardened myself over time. I would still cry with friends when needed, that was something I didn't want to EVER change. But being so emotional and sensitive about everything else, THAT I wanted desperately to change. As I was pondering over this change in me, I've come to realize that, although I was probably never meant to harden myself, that God can soften my heart again. I don't want to be someone that doesn't feel for others. I had the heart of God and I desired to change it. Crazy! My prayers now, are for God to mold my heart into His once more. I've matured in my sensitivity, and I'm thankful, but I want to hurt with others, I want to feel with them like I was meant too.
So, back the book. haha. I'm easily sidetracked. While reading this amazing book, I've come across some pretty eye-opening revelations. The main question I've realized is this:
Is my God big enough to speak into tragedy with laughter? Do I see the joy in suffering?
Honestly, I've answered no. It's so hard to see the laughter when your crying buckets of tears, and it's difficult to have joy in your heart while it's breaking. But it's POSSIBLE. I'm willing to try, to have that mustered seed of faith that's talked so much about, but never seen.
I'm praying that God will open my eyes to this among other things. It's all about His timing and His perfect will. Who knows? This trip may be the calling that I've put on the back burner for many years. Blessings friends.
This Road
All heavy laden
acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow
carry us home.
From alabaster,
come blessings of laughter
a fragrance of passion
joy from the truth.
Grant the unbroken
tears ever flowing.
From hearts of contrition
only for You.
May sin never hold true
that love never broke thru
For God's mercy holds us
and we are His own.
This road that we travel
may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You
All the day
shelter with fire
Our voices we raise still higher
God gave us peace and grace from You
All the day thru
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Holding My Breath
Have you ever had something happen and it caused you to hold your breath and your chest to tighten? Yea, that was my life this morning til the afternoon. Man, was I a jumble of nerves. And, to top it all off, I had a really bad dream last night that felt so real. You know...one of those where your subconscious is afraid of it happening so you dream it. Man...it was bad. In my dream, my mom died and it felt like my world literally fell apart. I woke up this morning in fear and dread because the last thought in my dream before I woke up was...I wish I had told her I loved her one last time and hugged her. Why I had this dream, I dunno. I laid in bed, looking up at the sky (because I moved my bed under the window, I have a thing for them) and my emotions were so craaaaaazy. Finally, I knew what I had to do and I let go. I gave it over to God and for the first time, I ACTUALLY let go. Man it felt great. Took a lot of will power but I did it! When I got up I hugged my mom so tight she squeaked like a mouse. Also, I learned something later this afternoon. Grace, is an AMAZING thing.
On a happy note, because I love happy notes, I got accepted by Youth In Mission for the Creative Access team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Apart of me is thinking...are you really going through with this, and the other part of me (the adventurous part that wishes to get out more often) was thinking, Heck yes!! The adventurous part is winning! I'm so excited! I've been trying to journal and read my Bible, mostly so God can prepare my heart for the trip, but also because I need to be doing it in the first place. Man are my priorities wild. Goodness, but I'm excited. My imagination is bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. haha. Speaking of my brother, Friday is national hug a redhead day, so find that redhead and show'em some love! Ems, I wish I could hug you on Friday!!! I'll try to "send" you one via email. :) I'm going to my Aunt Amber's house tomorrow to make cookies for Christmas. It's a holiday tradition that's been going on since she married my uncle a long time ago, but now I'm the only one going. It's okay, we have a blast anyway, NEVER a dull moment. I'll be there til Saturday or Sunday, then it's back home. My brother's wedding is next Sat. and I'm SO nervous. Guys, I'm a FLOWER GIRL! What's that about? I'm the oldest flower girl I know, and I don't have a dress to wear or the green to buy it. GAH! Okay....I'd better stop before I get worked up again. That's so hard to do when all I can picture is seeing myself walking down the aisle dropping flowers from a basket....oh man. I wasn't this worried about it at first, till I found out more than family will be there (old flames to be exact) not that I care. Okay okay, I do but just because for once, I want to look FANTASTIC. oi.
I hear the bed bugs calling my name. They must be lonely. Night! :)
On a happy note, because I love happy notes, I got accepted by Youth In Mission for the Creative Access team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Apart of me is thinking...are you really going through with this, and the other part of me (the adventurous part that wishes to get out more often) was thinking, Heck yes!! The adventurous part is winning! I'm so excited! I've been trying to journal and read my Bible, mostly so God can prepare my heart for the trip, but also because I need to be doing it in the first place. Man are my priorities wild. Goodness, but I'm excited. My imagination is bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. haha. Speaking of my brother, Friday is national hug a redhead day, so find that redhead and show'em some love! Ems, I wish I could hug you on Friday!!! I'll try to "send" you one via email. :) I'm going to my Aunt Amber's house tomorrow to make cookies for Christmas. It's a holiday tradition that's been going on since she married my uncle a long time ago, but now I'm the only one going. It's okay, we have a blast anyway, NEVER a dull moment. I'll be there til Saturday or Sunday, then it's back home. My brother's wedding is next Sat. and I'm SO nervous. Guys, I'm a FLOWER GIRL! What's that about? I'm the oldest flower girl I know, and I don't have a dress to wear or the green to buy it. GAH! Okay....I'd better stop before I get worked up again. That's so hard to do when all I can picture is seeing myself walking down the aisle dropping flowers from a basket....oh man. I wasn't this worried about it at first, till I found out more than family will be there (old flames to be exact) not that I care. Okay okay, I do but just because for once, I want to look FANTASTIC. oi.
I hear the bed bugs calling my name. They must be lonely. Night! :)
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