Woman After God's Own Heart

I want more than anything to be the title of this new post, only more than a title. I feel God tugging my heart strings so often, especially when I start...and this is kinda embarrassing...but especially when my attention starts straying to good lookin' men of God. That's right, you've caught me. :) Why, you ask, does He especially do this when I look (and not touch mind you)? Because in my heart I know, and it's what He's telling me by tugging those strings, that I'm not ready. As much as I long to shower someone with all the love I possess in my heart, I know that a relationship would take me away from God, and it seems like we've just started getting to know each other. My heart still longs to be cherished, but God tugs and reminds me, "Karye, I cherish you. I hold you. I love you. Allow me to shower you with my affection. You are loved." Shouldn't that be enough!? (that's to all you peps out there that read and comment)
Aw man, God, I long for it to be! But I also can't help feeling like I'm incomplete somehow, even though You're a huge part of my life, my everything. Could it be that You really aren't these things because of some fault of my own? I can always dig deeper, pray harder, love more, worship often...but I still feel so far away and lacking a part of me in someway. I'm always trying to perfect myself before coming to You, but then I realize, You love me just as I am. Of course I'm going to strive to be more like You, but such a weight has lifted off my shoulders knowing that I am loved despite my longing for someone else. How that must break Your heart and it hurts me to think that I'm hurting You. Be my everything!

Lament

Deep down, I'm your enemy.
The sweetness I exude on the outside
masks the true darkness that lurks beneath.
The reality is, I'm the liar of liars.
I've become so great at lying to myself,
it means nothing to hurt the ones I cherish.
The more I lie the more truth I see, or so it seems.
I'm changing, my exterior hardening and along with
it comes the changing of who I am inside.
It's becoming harder and harder to relate
to others through the Gift God has given me.
I'm becoming selfish, caught up in my needs
and the struggles that eat at my flesh and gnaw at my bones.
Through all the demons that come to destroy my heart,
I still have a piece untouched that longs for release.
I see light in the darkness that's slowly seeping in.
Jesus' fist is clenched, arm outstretched.
Whatever is inside He has chosen to keep safe,
valuing this object "precious" above all the others
being destroyed by sins eroding acid.
In his fist clenched so tight is my precious heart,
the essence of who I am, and who God made me to be.
When I've been beaten down where shame becomes my name,
and I feel like I'm about to break, that last piece of me that's
left untouched, is my saving Grace.
As soon as I release myself, I take it all back again,
needing the comfort of my sin.
When, Father, will this torture end?

My Personality Test Results

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest...Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

It's funny how computers have you all figured out when you don't know who the heck you are.