Chased a sunset today.
Got lost a couple of times but I ended on a hill, front row to the wonderful view I tried so hard to find. Guess what?
I saw the face of God.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
This Road
I've been trying to prepare my heart for the trip I'm taking for Youth In Mission. Being forgetful, I forgot my Bible at the school and I've been borrowing my mom's but it's not the same are your own personal Bible. I've got my notes and things that I want to look at that my mom doesn't have in hers, though it's not her fault. So, instead I've been reading my Jars of Clay book that I got many, many, many, moons ago. It's called The Narrow Road and it's about their song This Road. This book is about how the song relates to their travels to Vietnam and China as they went underground to experience the persecuted churches there in those countries. When the band returned to the states, they dedicated the song to the persecuted church and challenged believers to join in prayer for the ministry of our persecuted brothers and sisters. They remind us that we are ALL called to travel this road together. I'll post the lyrics at the end of my entry but as I've been reading this book I'm reminded of where my heart was many years ago. My heart was there, with my persecuted brothers and sisters around the world. My heart was with those millions of miles away. What has hidden that desire today? FEAR.
During my devotions to prepare myself for this amazing experience, I've found out something that's saddened me deeply. I've changed. I know people change as they get older, but there's something inside of me that has changed that God has gifted me with, that I've been embarrassed about.
The gift of Compassion.
Growing up, I was always called the "soft-hearted" one. I accepted it but then I got older and realized how sensitive I was. I was always crying about something or another and I began to look around. I didn't like being thought of as someone that would cry at the drop of a hat, and whether or not others saw me in this light, I thought they did and saw myself that way. So, I hardened myself over time. I would still cry with friends when needed, that was something I didn't want to EVER change. But being so emotional and sensitive about everything else, THAT I wanted desperately to change. As I was pondering over this change in me, I've come to realize that, although I was probably never meant to harden myself, that God can soften my heart again. I don't want to be someone that doesn't feel for others. I had the heart of God and I desired to change it. Crazy! My prayers now, are for God to mold my heart into His once more. I've matured in my sensitivity, and I'm thankful, but I want to hurt with others, I want to feel with them like I was meant too.
So, back the book. haha. I'm easily sidetracked. While reading this amazing book, I've come across some pretty eye-opening revelations. The main question I've realized is this:
Is my God big enough to speak into tragedy with laughter? Do I see the joy in suffering?
Honestly, I've answered no. It's so hard to see the laughter when your crying buckets of tears, and it's difficult to have joy in your heart while it's breaking. But it's POSSIBLE. I'm willing to try, to have that mustered seed of faith that's talked so much about, but never seen.
I'm praying that God will open my eyes to this among other things. It's all about His timing and His perfect will. Who knows? This trip may be the calling that I've put on the back burner for many years. Blessings friends.
This Road
All heavy laden
acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow
carry us home.
From alabaster,
come blessings of laughter
a fragrance of passion
joy from the truth.
Grant the unbroken
tears ever flowing.
From hearts of contrition
only for You.
May sin never hold true
that love never broke thru
For God's mercy holds us
and we are His own.
This road that we travel
may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You
All the day
shelter with fire
Our voices we raise still higher
God gave us peace and grace from You
All the day thru
During my devotions to prepare myself for this amazing experience, I've found out something that's saddened me deeply. I've changed. I know people change as they get older, but there's something inside of me that has changed that God has gifted me with, that I've been embarrassed about.
The gift of Compassion.
Growing up, I was always called the "soft-hearted" one. I accepted it but then I got older and realized how sensitive I was. I was always crying about something or another and I began to look around. I didn't like being thought of as someone that would cry at the drop of a hat, and whether or not others saw me in this light, I thought they did and saw myself that way. So, I hardened myself over time. I would still cry with friends when needed, that was something I didn't want to EVER change. But being so emotional and sensitive about everything else, THAT I wanted desperately to change. As I was pondering over this change in me, I've come to realize that, although I was probably never meant to harden myself, that God can soften my heart again. I don't want to be someone that doesn't feel for others. I had the heart of God and I desired to change it. Crazy! My prayers now, are for God to mold my heart into His once more. I've matured in my sensitivity, and I'm thankful, but I want to hurt with others, I want to feel with them like I was meant too.
So, back the book. haha. I'm easily sidetracked. While reading this amazing book, I've come across some pretty eye-opening revelations. The main question I've realized is this:
Is my God big enough to speak into tragedy with laughter? Do I see the joy in suffering?
Honestly, I've answered no. It's so hard to see the laughter when your crying buckets of tears, and it's difficult to have joy in your heart while it's breaking. But it's POSSIBLE. I'm willing to try, to have that mustered seed of faith that's talked so much about, but never seen.
I'm praying that God will open my eyes to this among other things. It's all about His timing and His perfect will. Who knows? This trip may be the calling that I've put on the back burner for many years. Blessings friends.
This Road
All heavy laden
acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow
carry us home.
From alabaster,
come blessings of laughter
a fragrance of passion
joy from the truth.
Grant the unbroken
tears ever flowing.
From hearts of contrition
only for You.
May sin never hold true
that love never broke thru
For God's mercy holds us
and we are His own.
This road that we travel
may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You
All the day
shelter with fire
Our voices we raise still higher
God gave us peace and grace from You
All the day thru
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Holding My Breath
Have you ever had something happen and it caused you to hold your breath and your chest to tighten? Yea, that was my life this morning til the afternoon. Man, was I a jumble of nerves. And, to top it all off, I had a really bad dream last night that felt so real. You know...one of those where your subconscious is afraid of it happening so you dream it. Man...it was bad. In my dream, my mom died and it felt like my world literally fell apart. I woke up this morning in fear and dread because the last thought in my dream before I woke up was...I wish I had told her I loved her one last time and hugged her. Why I had this dream, I dunno. I laid in bed, looking up at the sky (because I moved my bed under the window, I have a thing for them) and my emotions were so craaaaaazy. Finally, I knew what I had to do and I let go. I gave it over to God and for the first time, I ACTUALLY let go. Man it felt great. Took a lot of will power but I did it! When I got up I hugged my mom so tight she squeaked like a mouse. Also, I learned something later this afternoon. Grace, is an AMAZING thing.
On a happy note, because I love happy notes, I got accepted by Youth In Mission for the Creative Access team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Apart of me is thinking...are you really going through with this, and the other part of me (the adventurous part that wishes to get out more often) was thinking, Heck yes!! The adventurous part is winning! I'm so excited! I've been trying to journal and read my Bible, mostly so God can prepare my heart for the trip, but also because I need to be doing it in the first place. Man are my priorities wild. Goodness, but I'm excited. My imagination is bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. haha. Speaking of my brother, Friday is national hug a redhead day, so find that redhead and show'em some love! Ems, I wish I could hug you on Friday!!! I'll try to "send" you one via email. :) I'm going to my Aunt Amber's house tomorrow to make cookies for Christmas. It's a holiday tradition that's been going on since she married my uncle a long time ago, but now I'm the only one going. It's okay, we have a blast anyway, NEVER a dull moment. I'll be there til Saturday or Sunday, then it's back home. My brother's wedding is next Sat. and I'm SO nervous. Guys, I'm a FLOWER GIRL! What's that about? I'm the oldest flower girl I know, and I don't have a dress to wear or the green to buy it. GAH! Okay....I'd better stop before I get worked up again. That's so hard to do when all I can picture is seeing myself walking down the aisle dropping flowers from a basket....oh man. I wasn't this worried about it at first, till I found out more than family will be there (old flames to be exact) not that I care. Okay okay, I do but just because for once, I want to look FANTASTIC. oi.
I hear the bed bugs calling my name. They must be lonely. Night! :)
On a happy note, because I love happy notes, I got accepted by Youth In Mission for the Creative Access team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Apart of me is thinking...are you really going through with this, and the other part of me (the adventurous part that wishes to get out more often) was thinking, Heck yes!! The adventurous part is winning! I'm so excited! I've been trying to journal and read my Bible, mostly so God can prepare my heart for the trip, but also because I need to be doing it in the first place. Man are my priorities wild. Goodness, but I'm excited. My imagination is bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. haha. Speaking of my brother, Friday is national hug a redhead day, so find that redhead and show'em some love! Ems, I wish I could hug you on Friday!!! I'll try to "send" you one via email. :) I'm going to my Aunt Amber's house tomorrow to make cookies for Christmas. It's a holiday tradition that's been going on since she married my uncle a long time ago, but now I'm the only one going. It's okay, we have a blast anyway, NEVER a dull moment. I'll be there til Saturday or Sunday, then it's back home. My brother's wedding is next Sat. and I'm SO nervous. Guys, I'm a FLOWER GIRL! What's that about? I'm the oldest flower girl I know, and I don't have a dress to wear or the green to buy it. GAH! Okay....I'd better stop before I get worked up again. That's so hard to do when all I can picture is seeing myself walking down the aisle dropping flowers from a basket....oh man. I wasn't this worried about it at first, till I found out more than family will be there (old flames to be exact) not that I care. Okay okay, I do but just because for once, I want to look FANTASTIC. oi.
I hear the bed bugs calling my name. They must be lonely. Night! :)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Blessed Twice
Devin and Kevin
I never thought the day would come when my heart would finally be given to another-only now it's been given to two others! My brother's twins are now the light of my life. It's amazing how one little smile (even if it is because of gas) can capture your heart forever. And the way that their little eyes just stare at you as if soaking you in. My heart pulled as I held these two precious gifts from God, and I knew I was a goner. And when they snuggle close to you as they go back to sleep...gosh. I don't think I've ever envied anyone as much as I did my brother in those moments I held my precious nephews. I wanted to pack them away and run off with them! :)
Devin
I can't even describe how blessed I feel to have these two boys in my life now. Life seems sweeter, richer, brighter than it's ever been before, and their not even my kids. haha. But they feel like they are. Though I didn't give birth to them, my heart now holds places reserved just for their smiles, tears, and laughter. No one will ever be able to take their place, their so precious.
Me holding Devin
I felt so scared when I first held them. It's been a long time since I've held a newborn baby, since my little Correne Rose was born. (not mine, but mine as in my cousin, just so there's no mistake. haha) At first when I held them, I was sooo terrified. Little Devin likes to squirm all over the place. He's the gasiest kid I've ever had to hold. lol. He's so much like my brother, in features and in personality. It's going to be fun watching him grow up and the mess he's going to get him and Kevin into.
Me holding Kevin
When I got to hold Kevin, he was sooo sweet. When you're holding a baby, you have to smell them, it's a rule. He smelled soo sweet and babyish. He's going to be the sweet responsible big brother, though he's only older by 5 seconds. But he won't be able to resist little Devin's smiles and strong personality. Kevin just looks at you the whole time he's being held, when he's not sleeping. He just stares and stares, and when he smiles, it's like a ray of sunshine right through your heart and you know you're a goner. Both of these boys are going to be lookers, and I pray with everything in me that they become men after God's own heart. Like David, only without the adultery and murder. lol.
Father, I lift these precious gifts to you. Though they aren't mine to give, I pray Lord that You keep Your hand upon their lives. Watch over them as they grow, and may they grow ever more in You each day that You lend them breath. Be with their health and keep them strong, may their parent's and the rest of us remember how precious they really are. Thank You for them Father. They are rays of light in the darkness. You never cease to amaze me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
God Knows
God knows, and that is enough for me. WRONG. It should be enough for me that He knows, but it really isn't. That just shows how much faith I have huh? But, His way is ALWAYS best.
Take for instance, my crazy lil' bro. (He doesn't mind I'm sharing this. haha)
My brother has been so different since he hit the age of...oh, I dunno, probably 16 or so. Possibly earlier than that he wasn't the same because he started talking back, which changed to treating my mom really bad (he loved her, he's just got that Irish temper). He stopped going to church and believing in God, and all the girls he dated were horrible for him. I admit, I didn't like ANY of his girlfriends. I didn't didn't they were good enough for him and they definitely weren't any help for him spiritually. I seemed to be the only person he would listen too, and when I would come home from college we would talk. Eventually, to make a long story short, my brother eventually moved in with his girlfriend and she ended up pregnant with twins. They were born on October 15th 2008, our sister's birthday. :) They're the cutest little things. I wouldn't want to trade them for the world, so that's one good thing (or in this case two) that has come from what we thought was going to be tragic. Another good thing, and THE best one of all, my brother and his girlfriend accepted Jesus this past Sat! Man, it's a great feeling. Of course, I didn't know this would the be result of everything he had to go through and do to get to this point, but God knew. He could've made it a lot easier on my brother in a couple of things, but He's a loving God who let my brother make his own way, and that way eventually led back to his TRUE FATHER.
That's helped me take comfort in the unknown and unexplained, no not UFOs or aliens. :) God is so much bigger than my happiness, pain, ecstasy, anger, whatever the emotion, my God can handle it all. He's good like that. :) In EVERY situation, it's only for HIS good and my WELL-BEING that HE'S the one holding my hand, and leading me. Lately I've been the one doing the leading, the blind leading the all-knowing. funny huh? But, God has reminded me of WHO I am and WHERE HE'S brought me from. I could never have done anything without Him, though in my ignorance I've chosen too at times. I'm doing my best to change that.
Lord, lead me. Guide me, comfort me, remind me that YOU are the only One who could ever love me like I deserve. Hold me Father. I'm Yours, and Yours alone.
Take for instance, my crazy lil' bro. (He doesn't mind I'm sharing this. haha)
My brother has been so different since he hit the age of...oh, I dunno, probably 16 or so. Possibly earlier than that he wasn't the same because he started talking back, which changed to treating my mom really bad (he loved her, he's just got that Irish temper). He stopped going to church and believing in God, and all the girls he dated were horrible for him. I admit, I didn't like ANY of his girlfriends. I didn't didn't they were good enough for him and they definitely weren't any help for him spiritually. I seemed to be the only person he would listen too, and when I would come home from college we would talk. Eventually, to make a long story short, my brother eventually moved in with his girlfriend and she ended up pregnant with twins. They were born on October 15th 2008, our sister's birthday. :) They're the cutest little things. I wouldn't want to trade them for the world, so that's one good thing (or in this case two) that has come from what we thought was going to be tragic. Another good thing, and THE best one of all, my brother and his girlfriend accepted Jesus this past Sat! Man, it's a great feeling. Of course, I didn't know this would the be result of everything he had to go through and do to get to this point, but God knew. He could've made it a lot easier on my brother in a couple of things, but He's a loving God who let my brother make his own way, and that way eventually led back to his TRUE FATHER.
That's helped me take comfort in the unknown and unexplained, no not UFOs or aliens. :) God is so much bigger than my happiness, pain, ecstasy, anger, whatever the emotion, my God can handle it all. He's good like that. :) In EVERY situation, it's only for HIS good and my WELL-BEING that HE'S the one holding my hand, and leading me. Lately I've been the one doing the leading, the blind leading the all-knowing. funny huh? But, God has reminded me of WHO I am and WHERE HE'S brought me from. I could never have done anything without Him, though in my ignorance I've chosen too at times. I'm doing my best to change that.
Lord, lead me. Guide me, comfort me, remind me that YOU are the only One who could ever love me like I deserve. Hold me Father. I'm Yours, and Yours alone.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Holding Hands
One of my friends at work said something funny today that I, of course, decided to think on and dissect. A couple came down to the IRC and they were holding hands. My friend said, "I hate it when couples hold hands and absolutely won't let go! As if letting go means they are lost to each other forever!" She then proceeded to tell me a story about a couple who were holding hands and going through a door. They couldn't fit together because it was too small and instead of letting the other hand go and going through and reclaiming it again, they trickly made their way through without letting go.
God's like that. He doesn't want to let go of my hand, but I'm constantly pulling away. It reminds me of the beginning of the lifehouse video. The part where the girl is enticed away from a dance with God to dance with a cute guy (whom I've always believed to be the "boyfriend", good or bad). I don't have a guy to distract me from God, I have TONS of them. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have any beaus or what have you. I'm just me....Karye Cook....always seeking for love from the wrong people when I should be focused on a Person, Almighty God.
God never wants to break that hold on me. Why O why would I want to break my hold with HIM?????
I know I've posted twice in one day...so sue me. :) consider it a blessing. ha
God's like that. He doesn't want to let go of my hand, but I'm constantly pulling away. It reminds me of the beginning of the lifehouse video. The part where the girl is enticed away from a dance with God to dance with a cute guy (whom I've always believed to be the "boyfriend", good or bad). I don't have a guy to distract me from God, I have TONS of them. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have any beaus or what have you. I'm just me....Karye Cook....always seeking for love from the wrong people when I should be focused on a Person, Almighty God.
God never wants to break that hold on me. Why O why would I want to break my hold with HIM?????
I know I've posted twice in one day...so sue me. :) consider it a blessing. ha
Jesus, THE best friend
Jesus would be the absolute greatest friend.
He wouldn't get bored with you and move on to someone else.
He wouldn't use you to get when He wanted/needed for Himself.
He wouldn't put you down, point out your flaws, or talk about you behind your back.
He would stand up for you when others talked poorly of you.
He would listen to you. Be happy when you were, and sad when you weren't.
He would sit around and waste an afternoon with you. Just because.
He would care and love you more than He did Himself.
He would give you shotgun everytime.
He's the only one that can love more than ANYone that you know.
(This is taken from someone elses blog site, I liked it so much I had to have it on mine...just so you know it's not from my own thoughts. haha)
It's amazing how ridiculous I can be whenever I'm longing for that perfect friend and confidant and He's all around me...waiting. Honestly, sometimes I wish God weren't so passive/aggressive. Forget my free will God, You know what's best for me, do yo thing! But no, I have to be taught a lesson, I have to learn and understand that I CAN'T live this life on my own. Sure I could choose too, but life wouldn't be worth living without the only One that gives me breath.
He wouldn't get bored with you and move on to someone else.
He wouldn't use you to get when He wanted/needed for Himself.
He wouldn't put you down, point out your flaws, or talk about you behind your back.
He would stand up for you when others talked poorly of you.
He would listen to you. Be happy when you were, and sad when you weren't.
He would sit around and waste an afternoon with you. Just because.
He would care and love you more than He did Himself.
He would give you shotgun everytime.
He's the only one that can love more than ANYone that you know.
(This is taken from someone elses blog site, I liked it so much I had to have it on mine...just so you know it's not from my own thoughts. haha)
It's amazing how ridiculous I can be whenever I'm longing for that perfect friend and confidant and He's all around me...waiting. Honestly, sometimes I wish God weren't so passive/aggressive. Forget my free will God, You know what's best for me, do yo thing! But no, I have to be taught a lesson, I have to learn and understand that I CAN'T live this life on my own. Sure I could choose too, but life wouldn't be worth living without the only One that gives me breath.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Pretenders
I'm tired of pretending. Sometimes I get so fed up with...everything. I wish I could explain better, I wish I could just let it out, to finally let go. Sometimes, when you wear a mask for so long, it becomes who you are. Fits your body until you eventually won't be able to get it off, no matter how hard you try. I miss the "old" me.
this song by Shaun Groves is so amazing, and I've heard it a couple of times on the radio but its never really sunk in until recently. Funny how music on matters when the meanings match.
Take me, make me all You want me to be
That's all I'm asking -All I'm asking
Welcome to this heart of mine
I'm buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me - come decorate, Lord,
And open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remains
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the person I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded
Come inside this heart of mine -It's not my own -Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it All Your own -Welcome Home
Take a seat - pull up a chair -Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning,
And every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered -I'm overwhelmed
I understand I can't make this place all that You
I took this space that You placed in me,
Redecorated in shades of greed,
And I made sure every door stayed locked -Every window blocked -
And still, You knocked,
Take me, make me all You want me to be --
That's all I'm asking -All I'm asking
I've felt so disconnected lately. Like I'm just watching myself from afar, wishing for...something. Do you ever get the urge to just, disappear? I'm learning that things aren't what they seem. I should know. Do you like riddles? I personally hate riddles, then I found out I'm living one. I feel calm, like right before a driving rain. Everything that I've been holding back is begging for release. I can't let that happen.
This, my friends is what happens when you think too much. You drive yourself mad.
this song by Shaun Groves is so amazing, and I've heard it a couple of times on the radio but its never really sunk in until recently. Funny how music on matters when the meanings match.
Take me, make me all You want me to be
That's all I'm asking -All I'm asking
Welcome to this heart of mine
I'm buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me - come decorate, Lord,
And open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remains
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the person I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded
Come inside this heart of mine -It's not my own -Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it All Your own -Welcome Home
Take a seat - pull up a chair -Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning,
And every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered -I'm overwhelmed
I understand I can't make this place all that You
I took this space that You placed in me,
Redecorated in shades of greed,
And I made sure every door stayed locked -Every window blocked -
And still, You knocked,
Take me, make me all You want me to be --
That's all I'm asking -All I'm asking
I've felt so disconnected lately. Like I'm just watching myself from afar, wishing for...something. Do you ever get the urge to just, disappear? I'm learning that things aren't what they seem. I should know. Do you like riddles? I personally hate riddles, then I found out I'm living one. I feel calm, like right before a driving rain. Everything that I've been holding back is begging for release. I can't let that happen.
This, my friends is what happens when you think too much. You drive yourself mad.
Friday, October 17, 2008
My Sweet Nephews
My little twin nephews were born on October 15th, 2008. They weren't due until December but they had other plans and entered the world at 4lbs. The top picture is of Devin who has red hair like his daddy. :) The bottom picture is of the eldest son Kevin, who is older by 5 seconds. He has dark hair and they're the cutest little things!! I can't wait to hold them and spoil them rotten! :)
Thank You Lord for these two. Only You know how much they mean to my family, especially to my brother. I adore them Father.
My little twin nephews were born on October 15th, 2008. They weren't due until December but they had other plans and entered the world at 4lbs. The top picture is of Devin who has red hair like his daddy. :) The bottom picture is of the eldest son Kevin, who is older by 5 seconds. He has dark hair and they're the cutest little things!! I can't wait to hold them and spoil them rotten! :)
Thank You Lord for these two. Only You know how much they mean to my family, especially to my brother. I adore them Father.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Woman After God's Own Heart
I want more than anything to be the title of this new post, only more than a title. I feel God tugging my heart strings so often, especially when I start...and this is kinda embarrassing...but especially when my attention starts straying to good lookin' men of God. That's right, you've caught me. :) Why, you ask, does He especially do this when I look (and not touch mind you)? Because in my heart I know, and it's what He's telling me by tugging those strings, that I'm not ready. As much as I long to shower someone with all the love I possess in my heart, I know that a relationship would take me away from God, and it seems like we've just started getting to know each other. My heart still longs to be cherished, but God tugs and reminds me, "Karye, I cherish you. I hold you. I love you. Allow me to shower you with my affection. You are loved." Shouldn't that be enough!? (that's to all you peps out there that read and comment)
Aw man, God, I long for it to be! But I also can't help feeling like I'm incomplete somehow, even though You're a huge part of my life, my everything. Could it be that You really aren't these things because of some fault of my own? I can always dig deeper, pray harder, love more, worship often...but I still feel so far away and lacking a part of me in someway. I'm always trying to perfect myself before coming to You, but then I realize, You love me just as I am. Of course I'm going to strive to be more like You, but such a weight has lifted off my shoulders knowing that I am loved despite my longing for someone else. How that must break Your heart and it hurts me to think that I'm hurting You. Be my everything!
Aw man, God, I long for it to be! But I also can't help feeling like I'm incomplete somehow, even though You're a huge part of my life, my everything. Could it be that You really aren't these things because of some fault of my own? I can always dig deeper, pray harder, love more, worship often...but I still feel so far away and lacking a part of me in someway. I'm always trying to perfect myself before coming to You, but then I realize, You love me just as I am. Of course I'm going to strive to be more like You, but such a weight has lifted off my shoulders knowing that I am loved despite my longing for someone else. How that must break Your heart and it hurts me to think that I'm hurting You. Be my everything!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Lament
Deep down, I'm your enemy.
The sweetness I exude on the outside
masks the true darkness that lurks beneath.
The reality is, I'm the liar of liars.
I've become so great at lying to myself,
it means nothing to hurt the ones I cherish.
The more I lie the more truth I see, or so it seems.
I'm changing, my exterior hardening and along with
it comes the changing of who I am inside.
It's becoming harder and harder to relate
to others through the Gift God has given me.
I'm becoming selfish, caught up in my needs
and the struggles that eat at my flesh and gnaw at my bones.
Through all the demons that come to destroy my heart,
I still have a piece untouched that longs for release.
I see light in the darkness that's slowly seeping in.
Jesus' fist is clenched, arm outstretched.
Whatever is inside He has chosen to keep safe,
valuing this object "precious" above all the others
being destroyed by sins eroding acid.
In his fist clenched so tight is my precious heart,
the essence of who I am, and who God made me to be.
When I've been beaten down where shame becomes my name,
and I feel like I'm about to break, that last piece of me that's
left untouched, is my saving Grace.
As soon as I release myself, I take it all back again,
needing the comfort of my sin.
When, Father, will this torture end?
The sweetness I exude on the outside
masks the true darkness that lurks beneath.
The reality is, I'm the liar of liars.
I've become so great at lying to myself,
it means nothing to hurt the ones I cherish.
The more I lie the more truth I see, or so it seems.
I'm changing, my exterior hardening and along with
it comes the changing of who I am inside.
It's becoming harder and harder to relate
to others through the Gift God has given me.
I'm becoming selfish, caught up in my needs
and the struggles that eat at my flesh and gnaw at my bones.
Through all the demons that come to destroy my heart,
I still have a piece untouched that longs for release.
I see light in the darkness that's slowly seeping in.
Jesus' fist is clenched, arm outstretched.
Whatever is inside He has chosen to keep safe,
valuing this object "precious" above all the others
being destroyed by sins eroding acid.
In his fist clenched so tight is my precious heart,
the essence of who I am, and who God made me to be.
When I've been beaten down where shame becomes my name,
and I feel like I'm about to break, that last piece of me that's
left untouched, is my saving Grace.
As soon as I release myself, I take it all back again,
needing the comfort of my sin.
When, Father, will this torture end?
My Personality Test Results
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest...Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
It's funny how computers have you all figured out when you don't know who the heck you are.
It's funny how computers have you all figured out when you don't know who the heck you are.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Arg!
"For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to bring you a hope and a future."
This verse has been my scripture throughout my college life...since I was a freshy. God's been constantly whispering this to my heart, and lately it's been a lot stronger because of everything that's been going on. I'm so thankful to my Lord and Savior for all that He's done for me and mine.
I got a call early Thursday morning from my dad saying that Grandpa was in the ICU because of his heart and he was on his way to the hospital. Right after I hung up with my dad, I got a call from my Nanny that my Aunt Leslie who lives in Jacksonville, Florida got caught in the hurricane. She was driving and her SUV got flung against a tree and there's nothing left of it. She was taken to the emergency room and it didn't look good, but she's only got a broken collar bone. The doctor's say she's lucky because the collar bone would've punctured her lung. I say she's blessed, luck has nothing to do with it. See, my aunt's not a Christian and she's been going through a lot. Recently, after leading a Captivating group on campus I really felt lead to send the book to her. I gave a copy to my Nanny who sent it and God's really working on her heart. He's got big plans for my Aunt Leslie. The weird thing....both of these things happened around 4:30 that morning.
All these to say, school hasn't even started yet and already my life is unfolding. lol. I can't do anything but laugh. Even though this semester's got my stomach in knots, even though I feel so lost and alone, I have to laugh. While I may look at this as being excluded or ignored...God is using this time of seeming loneliness to speak to my heart. God is wanting an audience with...me. And by all means, I'm here. For so long I've cried out to God to speak to me, to work in me, to set me apart and use me. How can I pass this moment up just because of fears, worries, and what people do to me? I'm a child of THE King, and that has and should impact my life.
School's about to start. Something in my gut tells me that I need to prepare myself for what lies ahead. There are going to be tremendous amounts of "loneliness" where I feel I have no one to turn to, or no where to run. But I know that's not true. My friends may fail me, but I don't fault them that. People may act "heartless", but I know that it's just a facade. As children of God, you do care, you have to care. It's in caring that you ARE like Him.
I'm not perfect. Even though every day I strive to be....God wants so much more than perfection. He wants my love, my desire, my all to be for Him. He wants to be wanted as much as I do! And I want to want Him with all that I have, nothing held back. No matter what life hurtles my way, I stand wrapped in the arms of my Best Friend and Lover.
For what does it profit a man to gain the world, but lose his soul?
This verse has been my scripture throughout my college life...since I was a freshy. God's been constantly whispering this to my heart, and lately it's been a lot stronger because of everything that's been going on. I'm so thankful to my Lord and Savior for all that He's done for me and mine.
I got a call early Thursday morning from my dad saying that Grandpa was in the ICU because of his heart and he was on his way to the hospital. Right after I hung up with my dad, I got a call from my Nanny that my Aunt Leslie who lives in Jacksonville, Florida got caught in the hurricane. She was driving and her SUV got flung against a tree and there's nothing left of it. She was taken to the emergency room and it didn't look good, but she's only got a broken collar bone. The doctor's say she's lucky because the collar bone would've punctured her lung. I say she's blessed, luck has nothing to do with it. See, my aunt's not a Christian and she's been going through a lot. Recently, after leading a Captivating group on campus I really felt lead to send the book to her. I gave a copy to my Nanny who sent it and God's really working on her heart. He's got big plans for my Aunt Leslie. The weird thing....both of these things happened around 4:30 that morning.
All these to say, school hasn't even started yet and already my life is unfolding. lol. I can't do anything but laugh. Even though this semester's got my stomach in knots, even though I feel so lost and alone, I have to laugh. While I may look at this as being excluded or ignored...God is using this time of seeming loneliness to speak to my heart. God is wanting an audience with...me. And by all means, I'm here. For so long I've cried out to God to speak to me, to work in me, to set me apart and use me. How can I pass this moment up just because of fears, worries, and what people do to me? I'm a child of THE King, and that has and should impact my life.
School's about to start. Something in my gut tells me that I need to prepare myself for what lies ahead. There are going to be tremendous amounts of "loneliness" where I feel I have no one to turn to, or no where to run. But I know that's not true. My friends may fail me, but I don't fault them that. People may act "heartless", but I know that it's just a facade. As children of God, you do care, you have to care. It's in caring that you ARE like Him.
I'm not perfect. Even though every day I strive to be....God wants so much more than perfection. He wants my love, my desire, my all to be for Him. He wants to be wanted as much as I do! And I want to want Him with all that I have, nothing held back. No matter what life hurtles my way, I stand wrapped in the arms of my Best Friend and Lover.
For what does it profit a man to gain the world, but lose his soul?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The Shack
Recently I just got through reading this amazing book! (the title of my post in case you don't know). This book, though labeled fiction, is so true and real. While I was reading this book, I felt that I was Mack, that I was the one in the presence of the Almighty...and that Papa had chosen me to be there with Him to just..be. Man, a shout out to one of my bestest Holly! My relationship with Papa has changed in personal way that I had been looking for!
Now I'm aware of His presence, even when I don't know it. lol. He's all around me!! He knows me. He loves me. He desires me. Wow. God created me to enjoy me. God chose me.
Man. I love it! It reminded me of the song by Lifehouse, "Everything" which I love!
Find Me Here, Speak to me.
I want to feel you, I need to hear you.
You are the light that is leading me
to the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking,
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the life to my soul, you are my purpose.
You are everything. And how can i stand here with
You and not be moved by you? Would You tell me
how could it be any better than this? You calm the
storms, You give me rest. You hold me in Your hands.
You won't let me fall, You still my heart, You take my
breath away. Would You take me in, would You take
me deeper now 'cause You're all I want. You are all I
need. You are everything.
Also, I realized something while on the website. Someone wrote something that really really stuck. When I go through things in this life that hurt me terribly, I don't have to do what that pain and hurt tell me. God knows that hurt and feels it too. Gah! There's just too much thought to put on this post but I thought I would at least post something. lol. It's probably so scattered that its not even understandable, but this book is my #1. I would say that Bible is...but that wouldn't be very honest of me. I am however doing me best to dive deeper into the words of my Papa!!! (God) lol. Life...just got sweeter.
Now I'm aware of His presence, even when I don't know it. lol. He's all around me!! He knows me. He loves me. He desires me. Wow. God created me to enjoy me. God chose me.
Man. I love it! It reminded me of the song by Lifehouse, "Everything" which I love!
Find Me Here, Speak to me.
I want to feel you, I need to hear you.
You are the light that is leading me
to the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking,
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the life to my soul, you are my purpose.
You are everything. And how can i stand here with
You and not be moved by you? Would You tell me
how could it be any better than this? You calm the
storms, You give me rest. You hold me in Your hands.
You won't let me fall, You still my heart, You take my
breath away. Would You take me in, would You take
me deeper now 'cause You're all I want. You are all I
need. You are everything.
Also, I realized something while on the website. Someone wrote something that really really stuck. When I go through things in this life that hurt me terribly, I don't have to do what that pain and hurt tell me. God knows that hurt and feels it too. Gah! There's just too much thought to put on this post but I thought I would at least post something. lol. It's probably so scattered that its not even understandable, but this book is my #1. I would say that Bible is...but that wouldn't be very honest of me. I am however doing me best to dive deeper into the words of my Papa!!! (God) lol. Life...just got sweeter.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Future
Lately I've just felt like some thing's getting closer...and it's a good something. I dunno if it's because of the book I just got through reading that's giving me this emotion but I just feel...expectant and hopeful. That change is about to happen and it's going to change the norm for me.
The other night I was alone in the apartment and I couldn't sleep so I did what I normally do. I just started talking to God in a small whisper. I talked about my day, my hopes, my dreams. Suddenly I got a strong urge to talk to God about my future husband. I don't even know if he's out there but I just got the urge to pray anyway. So I did. While I was praying, I decided it wouldn't hurt to give God my "wish list", or more like recommendations that must be there along with a few minor details. I've never been the type of girl to talk about what I call "froo froo" things. I mean, sure, in the back of my mind I've always thought about marriage and stuff...but I have dreams that are more pressing than that.
Here's how I see it:
I want to be able to do things without worrying about if it will hurt "his" feelings, or if it will interrupt "his" schedule. I guess right now I'm just too selfish with my own dreams before I can worry about others dreams. I want to be able to travel without thinking about what I've left behind; it's already going to be tough leaving family to go into the Great Unknown. I don't and I won't be the reason for anyone to put their dreams on hold for me, not that I think that highly of myself, I've just seen it happen.
But still...that feeling of expectancy still hasn't gone away since I prayed that prayer. I don't know what it means and I feel childish posting this post, but oh well.
"It's my post and I can do what I want" :) The change that's coming doesn't necessarily coincide with my prayer that night, but it's something different I assure you.
Still...I can't help but wonder what's coming....
The other night I was alone in the apartment and I couldn't sleep so I did what I normally do. I just started talking to God in a small whisper. I talked about my day, my hopes, my dreams. Suddenly I got a strong urge to talk to God about my future husband. I don't even know if he's out there but I just got the urge to pray anyway. So I did. While I was praying, I decided it wouldn't hurt to give God my "wish list", or more like recommendations that must be there along with a few minor details. I've never been the type of girl to talk about what I call "froo froo" things. I mean, sure, in the back of my mind I've always thought about marriage and stuff...but I have dreams that are more pressing than that.
Here's how I see it:
I want to be able to do things without worrying about if it will hurt "his" feelings, or if it will interrupt "his" schedule. I guess right now I'm just too selfish with my own dreams before I can worry about others dreams. I want to be able to travel without thinking about what I've left behind; it's already going to be tough leaving family to go into the Great Unknown. I don't and I won't be the reason for anyone to put their dreams on hold for me, not that I think that highly of myself, I've just seen it happen.
But still...that feeling of expectancy still hasn't gone away since I prayed that prayer. I don't know what it means and I feel childish posting this post, but oh well.
"It's my post and I can do what I want" :) The change that's coming doesn't necessarily coincide with my prayer that night, but it's something different I assure you.
Still...I can't help but wonder what's coming....
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Left To Tell
I just got through reading an amazing book! I love it when I have the opportunity to read something so great, but especially when the book is an inspiration to me. The book is what I titled my blog, Left To Tell, and it's written by Immaculee Ilibagiza whose a survivor of the Rwandan Holocaust.
Her story is amazing and touched me deeply.
Many things she wrote about I will never ever forget but what really stood out to me was something she said while hiding in a cramped bathroom with seven other women. It was during this time in her life that she was the closest to God she's ever been. What she said that really touched me has to do with something I've been searching my soul for and the answer came through her and her story.
My struggles dim when compared to hers, but I want to explain what mine are so when I reveal what she said that truly touched me, it will be understood clearly.
No one knows the future, only God does. We as humans long to know what's coming up next. I think it must be human nature to wonder and even ask God what the future holds for us. I know I've asked Him countless times, with never an answer but the dawning of each new day.
While I was at camp, I realized that I didn't need to know the future. When I know something is going to happen in advance, I worry and fret over it and try to plan things down to a T.
That's how I came to realize I'm more of a "fly by the seat of my pants" kinda gal. It's just better that way for me.
What this woman said during the scariest moments of her life...affected me because I felt as if I was her and God was speaking directly to me. What she had to say was this:
I was certain that God had a greater purpose for me, and I prayed every day for Him to reveal it to me. At first I was expecting Him to show me my entire future all at once--maybe with a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder thrown in for good measure. But I came to learn that God never shows us something we aren't yet ready to understand. Instead, He lets us see what we need to see, when we need to see it. He'll wait until our eyes and hearts are open to Him, and then when we're ready, He will plant our feet on the path that's best for us...but it's up to us to do the walking. (pg.114).
O God, plant my feet upon the path that You would have me to trod...what a fun word. Open doors that lead to Your will and Your's alone, and close the doors that have my will at heart and cloud You from my view. I want only to do what You would have me to do. Lead me in Your way, where all my fears are silenced.
Her story is amazing and touched me deeply.
Many things she wrote about I will never ever forget but what really stood out to me was something she said while hiding in a cramped bathroom with seven other women. It was during this time in her life that she was the closest to God she's ever been. What she said that really touched me has to do with something I've been searching my soul for and the answer came through her and her story.
My struggles dim when compared to hers, but I want to explain what mine are so when I reveal what she said that truly touched me, it will be understood clearly.
No one knows the future, only God does. We as humans long to know what's coming up next. I think it must be human nature to wonder and even ask God what the future holds for us. I know I've asked Him countless times, with never an answer but the dawning of each new day.
While I was at camp, I realized that I didn't need to know the future. When I know something is going to happen in advance, I worry and fret over it and try to plan things down to a T.
That's how I came to realize I'm more of a "fly by the seat of my pants" kinda gal. It's just better that way for me.
What this woman said during the scariest moments of her life...affected me because I felt as if I was her and God was speaking directly to me. What she had to say was this:
I was certain that God had a greater purpose for me, and I prayed every day for Him to reveal it to me. At first I was expecting Him to show me my entire future all at once--maybe with a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder thrown in for good measure. But I came to learn that God never shows us something we aren't yet ready to understand. Instead, He lets us see what we need to see, when we need to see it. He'll wait until our eyes and hearts are open to Him, and then when we're ready, He will plant our feet on the path that's best for us...but it's up to us to do the walking. (pg.114).
O God, plant my feet upon the path that You would have me to trod...what a fun word. Open doors that lead to Your will and Your's alone, and close the doors that have my will at heart and cloud You from my view. I want only to do what You would have me to do. Lead me in Your way, where all my fears are silenced.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Spiritual Renewal Part II :)
I got blessed so much I had to write two posts to cover everything! lol. So, as I said, camp was A-mazing. I really gained a lot from being there and the two services that touched me the most were the services Wednesday night "breaking free from bitterness" and Friday night's sermon "breaking free from brokenness".
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:31-32
Something this pastor said that stuck was "We are chained and bound to the past bitterness that we carry when we've already been set free by Christ". In other words, God has already done everything to set us free from our past but we are the one's that are binding ourselves to it. God doesn't want us to stay stuck in the past, so we take it to God and leave it at the cross. In my experience, taking it to God won't help you unless you leave it there. That's the key word.
Needless to say, God spoke to me through that message. Even though I had taken my hurt and anger to God, I never left it there with Him. I still carried it around inside because I dwelled on it constantly if something came up that reminded me of those old wounds. Not anymore. That night I went to the altar, and I left everything there. My hurt, my anger, my expectations, my desires, my bitterness. I do have to thank God for a kind woman Mary Martin who stayed there at the altar with a total stranger while she sobbed out her story and wouldn't let me leave until I had left it there. Thanks for her God, and thank you for your compassion and obeying God's gentle prodding.
The other sermon that touched me was "breaking free from brokenness".
"God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds"
-Psalm 147:3
This was a great sermon to come after the previous one I wrote on. Now that I had released all that hurt, the healing process could take place. The pastor that spoke had a couple of handouts out that had a bandaid stapled to them. He told us to take off the bandaids and place them over our hearts. So throughout the service that's what we did...keep this in mind as I talk about his sermon. He spoke about God being aware of our pain, and how He cares about our hurts. He gave four tips for healing.
1. Don't repress it. (guilty)
2. Don't rehearse it. (guilty)
3. Don't regret it.
4. Release it!
"I am the God who heals"-Exodus 15:26
At the end of the service, the pastor asked us to take off our bandaids and to write on them what our hurt was and then to come to the altar and place our bandaids there and to walk away from them. It was great, that altar had so many bandaids on it.
"God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds" -Psalm 147:3
That night, I could feel God's presence more clearly than I ever could. I finally understood why, even after crying out to Him so many times to feel His presence, why I couldn't. I was holding myself back, and by trusting God and going on this trip, my prayer was answered in ways I couldn't even imagine. I feel like God's will is so much clearer, and I feel His calling stronger. Already He's given me tasks to do, even before I got back to campus.
One of those tasks is going to be extremely hard, but I know where my strength comes from. I have to talk with the president of Trevecca and I'm nervous, but he's really sweet so I'm sure he'll understand. It's time for Christians to step it up in their walks with God, because He's called us to be different, to be set apart and I'm not seeing that on campus; just the opposite.
Another task, I have to find a different church home. I've been going to TCC on campus, and I love it there, but God has other plans. I feel that He wants me to go to a smaller church where I can be more involved and where I can be in a close knit family of sorts. I'm hesitant and a little anxious to do this for many reasons. I come from a small church and was really close with everyone, so close that dirty laundry got aired. Things happened and people got hurt and it's just a memory, and I don't want that to happen again. I do miss the good of being close to those around you. How do you balance it out? Anyway, that is what has been going on in my life so far. I think that's as up to date as I can get. lol. That and God's speaking to my heart about working in China. That's another reason why the missionaries at camp were a blessing.
I thank God for all that He is. May I serve Him all of my days.
"No need to remember past events, no need to think about what was done before. Look, I am doing something new." - Isaiah 43:18-19
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:31-32
Something this pastor said that stuck was "We are chained and bound to the past bitterness that we carry when we've already been set free by Christ". In other words, God has already done everything to set us free from our past but we are the one's that are binding ourselves to it. God doesn't want us to stay stuck in the past, so we take it to God and leave it at the cross. In my experience, taking it to God won't help you unless you leave it there. That's the key word.
Needless to say, God spoke to me through that message. Even though I had taken my hurt and anger to God, I never left it there with Him. I still carried it around inside because I dwelled on it constantly if something came up that reminded me of those old wounds. Not anymore. That night I went to the altar, and I left everything there. My hurt, my anger, my expectations, my desires, my bitterness. I do have to thank God for a kind woman Mary Martin who stayed there at the altar with a total stranger while she sobbed out her story and wouldn't let me leave until I had left it there. Thanks for her God, and thank you for your compassion and obeying God's gentle prodding.
The other sermon that touched me was "breaking free from brokenness".
"God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds"
-Psalm 147:3
This was a great sermon to come after the previous one I wrote on. Now that I had released all that hurt, the healing process could take place. The pastor that spoke had a couple of handouts out that had a bandaid stapled to them. He told us to take off the bandaids and place them over our hearts. So throughout the service that's what we did...keep this in mind as I talk about his sermon. He spoke about God being aware of our pain, and how He cares about our hurts. He gave four tips for healing.
1. Don't repress it. (guilty)
2. Don't rehearse it. (guilty)
3. Don't regret it.
4. Release it!
"I am the God who heals"-Exodus 15:26
At the end of the service, the pastor asked us to take off our bandaids and to write on them what our hurt was and then to come to the altar and place our bandaids there and to walk away from them. It was great, that altar had so many bandaids on it.
"God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds" -Psalm 147:3
That night, I could feel God's presence more clearly than I ever could. I finally understood why, even after crying out to Him so many times to feel His presence, why I couldn't. I was holding myself back, and by trusting God and going on this trip, my prayer was answered in ways I couldn't even imagine. I feel like God's will is so much clearer, and I feel His calling stronger. Already He's given me tasks to do, even before I got back to campus.
One of those tasks is going to be extremely hard, but I know where my strength comes from. I have to talk with the president of Trevecca and I'm nervous, but he's really sweet so I'm sure he'll understand. It's time for Christians to step it up in their walks with God, because He's called us to be different, to be set apart and I'm not seeing that on campus; just the opposite.
Another task, I have to find a different church home. I've been going to TCC on campus, and I love it there, but God has other plans. I feel that He wants me to go to a smaller church where I can be more involved and where I can be in a close knit family of sorts. I'm hesitant and a little anxious to do this for many reasons. I come from a small church and was really close with everyone, so close that dirty laundry got aired. Things happened and people got hurt and it's just a memory, and I don't want that to happen again. I do miss the good of being close to those around you. How do you balance it out? Anyway, that is what has been going on in my life so far. I think that's as up to date as I can get. lol. That and God's speaking to my heart about working in China. That's another reason why the missionaries at camp were a blessing.
I thank God for all that He is. May I serve Him all of my days.
"No need to remember past events, no need to think about what was done before. Look, I am doing something new." - Isaiah 43:18-19
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Spiritual Renewal
FYI: Long Post...your welcome. :)
"O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.Your plans for us are too numerous to list.You have no equal.If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,I would never come to the end of them." Psalm 40:5
This past week, I've been at a family church camp in Michigan at the Manton camp grounds with my grandparents. In my last post I stated that it was a family tradition that we use to do when I was really little but I haven't been at that camp in 5 years. Before I got there, I had this sense of restlessness. I think I have a post titled that, so refer back to that one. :) I didn't explain that sense of restlessness very well because I didn't fully know what it was an effect of but now I know.
I wasn't doing God's will.
Now there are two parts to this statement. I was knowingly not doing God's will first of all and the second part that comes from that is not fully being able to understand God's will so some of this was also unknowingly because of the first. Isn't it amazing to look back on things and see where the fall took place and how everything after the fall was a direct result of it?
I hope that made sense, I'm no scholar. ha!
Before going to camp, this restlessness took over my whole being to the point that I wasn't satisfied with ANYthing in my life. I wasn't satisfied at my job, at my church, with my walk with God, with my major, with my choice of university even though I've been here for four years now going on my fifth...life was just not up to par for me at this time. I was so tired of working almost 50 hours a week and never getting a break unless I faked being sick and never getting away. Then, in a converstation with my Nanny, she mentioned her and Pops going and I invited myself along but it was okay with her. But, I decided to pray about it because I wasn't trusting God with my finances. I was freaking out because I would be missing a week of work...almost a full paycheck! After much meditation however, I knew it was what I had to do so I left, not knowing what God had in store for me there.
Camp was A-mazing. I can't even think of the words to describe it. When I got there, everything was as I remembered it; buildings, smells, people, and annoying insects. It was beautiful. I feel nostalgic now thinking of it. This was my weekly schedule, keep in mind I'm an hour ahead there.
7:00- wake up
7:30- eat breakfast in caf.
8:30- prayer meeting (My Pops went to these, while my Nanny and I strolled on the campground)
9:30-10:30 Missionary meeting
10:45-12:00 Bible Study
12:00- Lunch in caf.
1:00-3:00- arts and crafts/or/silent auction til 5.
5:30- eat dinner
7:00-8:30- Evening service
This kept me busy, and in between lunch and dinner I always played basketball with my Pops and a long time camp friend, Amanda (mandy for short). We never played an actual game, just around the world mostly or the best out of ten foul shots. Needless to say, I'm rusty and my Pops beat me plenty, though I did have my share of the winnings. :) I also learned how to play chess with Mandy, but she beat me all the time and I came close to winning only once. Anyway, on to the "meat" of my retreat. :)
The weekly theme at the Evening Services was "Breaking Free". Sunday night was an exception because the missionary spoke that night and his message was so great. More on them later though. So Monday's message was on "Breaking Free, Faith to believe God can set you free". Tuesday's message was "Breaking free from Brittany" which was for the youth and it was really great. It was about sexual purity. Wednesday's message "Breaking free from Bitterness". Thursday's message was "Breaking free from Barbie" it was an okay message but still good. It talked about images and who we are trying to liken ourselves and our children too. Friday's message was on "Breaking free from Brokenness" and this service was also a healing service and was amazing to watch. No one ran down the aisles or anything like that. It was quiet and very reverent, not that the others aren't. Saturday's service was at talk with three pastors and more of a QandA between the congregation and the pastors on stage. It was interesting. And Sunday's conclusion was "Living Free." It was a great conclusion to a great week.
So, to the missionarys. The Peterson family were the missionary's that came to camp to tell us about their ministry in Taipei, Taiwan. They are a family of four with two children, Kristine, who's starting her first year at SAU, and Lindsey, who's going into the 8th grade. They minister in partnership with Overseas Radio and Television or ORTV. The father uses English as a means of reaching people with the gospel through the radio and classroom teaching programs. The mother edits ORTV publications and teaches via raido as well as serving in adminstrative roles within the Free Methodist mission. I got the chance to talk with father for a short time, and the mother as well. They are really great people and have earned a place in my heart. I'll pray for them constantly. Now they are in the states for a year as their daughter settles at school and they travel to talk about their ministry before they go back to Taiwan. Why have they earned a place in my heart? Because God had them there at camp for me to meet them because of what He has placed on my heart but I was scared. This post is already really long, so I'll write a part II. :) My restlessness was settled there at camp, but it was replaced with another sense of restlessness, a good kind. God's will is clearer, and the restlessness I feel now is the urgency to complete it...in God's time of course. :) I'll post more in part II.
"Who is like you among the gods, O Lord—glorious in holiness,awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?" Exodus 15:11
"O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.Your plans for us are too numerous to list.You have no equal.If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,I would never come to the end of them." Psalm 40:5
This past week, I've been at a family church camp in Michigan at the Manton camp grounds with my grandparents. In my last post I stated that it was a family tradition that we use to do when I was really little but I haven't been at that camp in 5 years. Before I got there, I had this sense of restlessness. I think I have a post titled that, so refer back to that one. :) I didn't explain that sense of restlessness very well because I didn't fully know what it was an effect of but now I know.
I wasn't doing God's will.
Now there are two parts to this statement. I was knowingly not doing God's will first of all and the second part that comes from that is not fully being able to understand God's will so some of this was also unknowingly because of the first. Isn't it amazing to look back on things and see where the fall took place and how everything after the fall was a direct result of it?
I hope that made sense, I'm no scholar. ha!
Before going to camp, this restlessness took over my whole being to the point that I wasn't satisfied with ANYthing in my life. I wasn't satisfied at my job, at my church, with my walk with God, with my major, with my choice of university even though I've been here for four years now going on my fifth...life was just not up to par for me at this time. I was so tired of working almost 50 hours a week and never getting a break unless I faked being sick and never getting away. Then, in a converstation with my Nanny, she mentioned her and Pops going and I invited myself along but it was okay with her. But, I decided to pray about it because I wasn't trusting God with my finances. I was freaking out because I would be missing a week of work...almost a full paycheck! After much meditation however, I knew it was what I had to do so I left, not knowing what God had in store for me there.
Camp was A-mazing. I can't even think of the words to describe it. When I got there, everything was as I remembered it; buildings, smells, people, and annoying insects. It was beautiful. I feel nostalgic now thinking of it.
7:00- wake up
7:30- eat breakfast in caf.
8:30- prayer meeting (My Pops went to these, while my Nanny and I strolled on the campground)
9:30-10:30 Missionary meeting
10:45-12:00 Bible Study
12:00- Lunch in caf.
1:00-3:00- arts and crafts/or/silent auction til 5.
5:30- eat dinner
7:00-8:30- Evening service
This kept me busy, and in between lunch and dinner I always played basketball with my Pops and a long time camp friend, Amanda (mandy for short). We never played an actual game, just around the world mostly or the best out of ten foul shots. Needless to say, I'm rusty and my Pops beat me plenty, though I did have my share of the winnings. :) I also learned how to play chess with Mandy, but she beat me all the time and I came close to winning only once. Anyway, on to the "meat" of my retreat. :)
The weekly theme at the Evening Services was "Breaking Free". Sunday night was an exception because the missionary spoke that night and his message was so great. More on them later though. So Monday's message was on "Breaking Free, Faith to believe God can set you free". Tuesday's message was "Breaking free from Brittany" which was for the youth and it was really great. It was about sexual purity. Wednesday's message "Breaking free from Bitterness". Thursday's message was "Breaking free from Barbie" it was an okay message but still good. It talked about images and who we are trying to liken ourselves and our children too. Friday's message was on "Breaking free from Brokenness" and this service was also a healing service and was amazing to watch. No one ran down the aisles or anything like that. It was quiet and very reverent, not that the others aren't. Saturday's service was at talk with three pastors and more of a QandA between the congregation and the pastors on stage. It was interesting. And Sunday's conclusion was "Living Free." It was a great conclusion to a great week.
So, to the missionarys. The Peterson family were the missionary's that came to camp to tell us about their ministry in Taipei, Taiwan. They are a family of four with two children, Kristine, who's starting her first year at SAU, and Lindsey, who's going into the 8th grade. They minister in partnership with Overseas Radio and Television or ORTV. The father uses English as a means of reaching people with the gospel through the radio and classroom teaching programs. The mother edits ORTV publications and teaches via raido as well as serving in adminstrative roles within the Free Methodist mission. I got the chance to talk with father for a short time, and the mother as well. They are really great people and have earned a place in my heart. I'll pray for them constantly. Now they are in the states for a year as their daughter settles at school and they travel to talk about their ministry before they go back to Taiwan. Why have they earned a place in my heart? Because God had them there at camp for me to meet them because of what He has placed on my heart but I was scared. This post is already really long, so I'll write a part II. :) My restlessness was settled there at camp, but it was replaced with another sense of restlessness, a good kind. God's will is clearer, and the restlessness I feel now is the urgency to complete it...in God's time of course. :) I'll post more in part II.
"Who is like you among the gods, O Lord—glorious in holiness,awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?" Exodus 15:11
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Untitled
First, I'm soooo excited because I finally have a chance to get off campus and away from everyone I'm always around!!!!! You have no idea! For about 11 days I am going to church camp in Michigan with my grandparents. It use to be a family tradition where my family and my grandparents would go, along with my cousins. Man what great times! Now everyone's grown up and married, with no money. lol. So, I have a chance, maybe my last one to go and seek the face of my God. I know He's everywhere, but honestly I don't feel Him on campus or around my friends. Not that it's their problem but my problem. It's all me. I have a lot that I have to listen for. There's something that I'm interested in doing after I graduate and it's like God placed it in my lap right after I prayed for guidance. I've been dreaming about it too and my aunt amber, whom I love so much, gave some great advice. She said that if it's on my heart and mind all the time when I'm not thinking about it, it's gotta be God. So, I'm seeking Him on this area as well. I want to do something for my Savior. I feel so worthless here on campus with faces I see every single day. I need new sights, smells, sounds, faces, tastes. I just need to be refreshed.
Second, things are so crazy right now. I won't expand but growing up sucks, seriously. Growing up and growing apart sucks but it's apart of life and I'm ready for it. I've been emailing one of my greatest friends, Natalie, and she's a smart cookie. I miss her so much! She is, next to Holly whose in Africa, someone I can talk to about anything and I get honest feedback no matter how much it hurts. I've been emailing her back and forth about different things and she's really helped me see the light on a couple of issues. It's great when God gives you people in life who He knows will enrich it. How amazing is God?
Thirdly, no matter how much I grow up there will always be apart of me that will be immature is childish. I see myself at the age of 49 and still cracking jokes with friends like I do. I'm a 15yr old trapped in an almost 23yr old body! Speaking of, holy poo! Two more months and I'm going to be 23! I don't feel it at all. I still feel 15 or at the very least 18, and I look it too. lol.
Fourthly, I dunno why I'm counting....but this is the last thing. My life is always changing but I know the one Who's unchanging. When things seem to be awkward and tense in life, I know that my God has things under control. I may not know what's going on, and I'm learning that's okay. He knows and that should be enough for me to give me peace of mind. I'm working on it. :)
I'm learning to love life, the ups and the downs. It's all apart of His plan. I'm just along for the ride. lol.
Second, things are so crazy right now. I won't expand but growing up sucks, seriously. Growing up and growing apart sucks but it's apart of life and I'm ready for it. I've been emailing one of my greatest friends, Natalie, and she's a smart cookie. I miss her so much! She is, next to Holly whose in Africa, someone I can talk to about anything and I get honest feedback no matter how much it hurts. I've been emailing her back and forth about different things and she's really helped me see the light on a couple of issues. It's great when God gives you people in life who He knows will enrich it. How amazing is God?
Thirdly, no matter how much I grow up there will always be apart of me that will be immature is childish. I see myself at the age of 49 and still cracking jokes with friends like I do. I'm a 15yr old trapped in an almost 23yr old body! Speaking of, holy poo! Two more months and I'm going to be 23! I don't feel it at all. I still feel 15 or at the very least 18, and I look it too. lol.
Fourthly, I dunno why I'm counting....but this is the last thing. My life is always changing but I know the one Who's unchanging. When things seem to be awkward and tense in life, I know that my God has things under control. I may not know what's going on, and I'm learning that's okay. He knows and that should be enough for me to give me peace of mind. I'm working on it. :)
I'm learning to love life, the ups and the downs. It's all apart of His plan. I'm just along for the ride. lol.
Friday, June 20, 2008
When the going gets tough...
I'm the type of person that I dislike. I hold things in...things that happen, mostly bad, and then one day....one night, it all blows up in my face. It's so hard for me to give things over to God for good. I say that I give them over to Him, but in the end, there's still a little piece of something that I'm still holding onto. Why do I hang onto the bad? I don't understand that about me. Pfftt...lets face it. There's A LOT about me I don't understand.
Lately....Satan's really been attacking my mind. It's my fault mostly because I haven't been making myself strong by diving into the Word as I should, or really even just talking with God like I should. I talk to Him daily....but I only really really cry out to Him when I need Him most. That's not the way relationships go, I know. When Satan attacks, man he attacks HARD. I'm still hurting from it. But I learned something from it, and I'm thankful to God for it.
I cannot depend upon anyone but the Lord. He's showed me that I'm once again depending too much upon others, and not upon the One who's Unchanging and never going to leave me. Why is this so hard? Because I make it much more harder than it needs to be.
In the moment when satan attacked, My Everything surrounded me when it got to the point that I was too weak to take anymore...and He stepped in my place. He took the chains that were binding me to Satan, and He placed them upon His own hands and feet. He took what I was receiving. He Saved Me. I've never felt that kind of love before.
I've heard all my life from my Papa, whose THE Christian influence on my life, after Jesus of course. I talked with my Papa and he told me something that's stuck. He said,
"Karye...in my experience Satan attacks those who he's truly afraid of. He sees something in them, Someone in them that will hurt his plans. He sees that God has chosen you...or that person, so he attacks them with everything he's got to beat them down, to make them lose faith. It's when Satan not's attacking you that you should worry." That's going to stay with me the rest of my life. It makes sense too. It's when things seem to be going good that I need to ask myself...am I giving God my all? That means it's come to the point in my relationship with God that I need to step it up.
I know this doesn't make a lick of sense to some of you....but I had to journal it, so here it is. I don't know how this is going to change me, I just know that it has. This gal is going to find out who she truly is, in the most important Person there is.
Lately....Satan's really been attacking my mind. It's my fault mostly because I haven't been making myself strong by diving into the Word as I should, or really even just talking with God like I should. I talk to Him daily....but I only really really cry out to Him when I need Him most. That's not the way relationships go, I know. When Satan attacks, man he attacks HARD. I'm still hurting from it. But I learned something from it, and I'm thankful to God for it.
I cannot depend upon anyone but the Lord. He's showed me that I'm once again depending too much upon others, and not upon the One who's Unchanging and never going to leave me. Why is this so hard? Because I make it much more harder than it needs to be.
In the moment when satan attacked, My Everything surrounded me when it got to the point that I was too weak to take anymore...and He stepped in my place. He took the chains that were binding me to Satan, and He placed them upon His own hands and feet. He took what I was receiving. He Saved Me. I've never felt that kind of love before.
I've heard all my life from my Papa, whose THE Christian influence on my life, after Jesus of course. I talked with my Papa and he told me something that's stuck. He said,
"Karye...in my experience Satan attacks those who he's truly afraid of. He sees something in them, Someone in them that will hurt his plans. He sees that God has chosen you...or that person, so he attacks them with everything he's got to beat them down, to make them lose faith. It's when Satan not's attacking you that you should worry." That's going to stay with me the rest of my life. It makes sense too. It's when things seem to be going good that I need to ask myself...am I giving God my all? That means it's come to the point in my relationship with God that I need to step it up.
I know this doesn't make a lick of sense to some of you....but I had to journal it, so here it is. I don't know how this is going to change me, I just know that it has. This gal is going to find out who she truly is, in the most important Person there is.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Go Green!
Go Green!
So, how crazy is this? Ready? O, I don't think you are! I know I've posted twice in one day, crazy huh? But after I posted the first post for today I was watching some videos on Youtube when I stumbled upon something that totally blew my mind! Erin, my wonderful roomie, and everyone else out there, I've gone GREEN! I shout out to my roomie because she's the first inspiration...she planted a seed and someone else watered it...I'll let you in on who later if you promise not to laugh. Even if you do laugh..I won't hear you...but I'll know. Okay I won't but still.
So, Erin started taking her own bags when she goes grocery shopping, and being her roomie I've noticed. I always thought it was so cool, but for some reason...don't ask why, I just never really got into it. Don't get me wrong, I love Mother Earth, I just never really gave it any serious thought because I never realized the damage that was going on all over. So the crazy thing that I don't think your ready for is after I wrote my first post about how I'm restless and I need something to do...something to focus on and pour my energy into, well I've found that answer. It was like a lightening bolt from Heaven. Thanks God, and no Erin it didn't hurt. :)
So, what I'm doing? I'm going to join in on the BYOB act...Bring Your Own Bags. If you wanna know more about why, follow this amazingly cool link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUMPz_v9z00&feature=related
It will open your eyes and change your way of thinking, if your human it should anyway. Dude...I'm totally pumped! Okay, so the reason for the inspiration...Edward Norton. I know I know...what can I say? In the video above, he's the host. I never knew this but Edward is all about Green..and not just the Hulk either. heh heh....yea lame I know. I thought it was funny. He's in this National Geographic series called Strange Days On Planet Earth, or he hosts it. There are two series out now and I want to watch them all! Not just because he's in them, but because it's definitly got my attention. I'm part of the cause for the mess Earth is in, and now I'm going to be apart of the cause to change that.
Are you with me?
So, how crazy is this? Ready? O, I don't think you are! I know I've posted twice in one day, crazy huh? But after I posted the first post for today I was watching some videos on Youtube when I stumbled upon something that totally blew my mind! Erin, my wonderful roomie, and everyone else out there, I've gone GREEN! I shout out to my roomie because she's the first inspiration...she planted a seed and someone else watered it...I'll let you in on who later if you promise not to laugh. Even if you do laugh..I won't hear you...but I'll know. Okay I won't but still.
So, Erin started taking her own bags when she goes grocery shopping, and being her roomie I've noticed. I always thought it was so cool, but for some reason...don't ask why, I just never really got into it. Don't get me wrong, I love Mother Earth, I just never really gave it any serious thought because I never realized the damage that was going on all over. So the crazy thing that I don't think your ready for is after I wrote my first post about how I'm restless and I need something to do...something to focus on and pour my energy into, well I've found that answer. It was like a lightening bolt from Heaven. Thanks God, and no Erin it didn't hurt. :)
So, what I'm doing? I'm going to join in on the BYOB act...Bring Your Own Bags. If you wanna know more about why, follow this amazingly cool link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUMPz_v9z00&feature=related
It will open your eyes and change your way of thinking, if your human it should anyway. Dude...I'm totally pumped! Okay, so the reason for the inspiration...Edward Norton. I know I know...what can I say? In the video above, he's the host. I never knew this but Edward is all about Green..and not just the Hulk either. heh heh....yea lame I know. I thought it was funny. He's in this National Geographic series called Strange Days On Planet Earth, or he hosts it. There are two series out now and I want to watch them all! Not just because he's in them, but because it's definitly got my attention. I'm part of the cause for the mess Earth is in, and now I'm going to be apart of the cause to change that.
Are you with me?
Restlessness
Deep within my soul, I'm restless.
I should be doing something for the Lord, going places, speaking to people. I know that I can do that here on campus just as good as anywhere else, but I'm so SICK of campus and being here. I want to get away, breathe in different air, see different people and try different things.
I'm so restless with dreaming too. I don't ask for the dreams that I get...I know no one does, but these dreams haunt me. There's got to be a reason for dreaming right? I just want one good night of sleep...is that too much to ask? I'm tired...deep in my spirit. Something is troubling me, and I don't have the time to dive in and find out what it is, but it's there constantly lurking in the shadows at night and hiding during the day.
Find rest O my soul! Am I restless because I haven't been seeking only You? Fill me with Your Spirit, calm this restless heart and wandering mind. I wish my mind were a blank page....then I would finally get some peace. Father, grant me peace.
What is this sense of urgency? I don't understand it and I wish I could explore it. Father, take away all the distractions that are taking me away from You.
Only You are my everything. Only You have my all. Only You have my heart. Only you have my soul. I need You, I feel like I'm slipping away Father. I need You.
I should be doing something for the Lord, going places, speaking to people. I know that I can do that here on campus just as good as anywhere else, but I'm so SICK of campus and being here. I want to get away, breathe in different air, see different people and try different things.
I'm so restless with dreaming too. I don't ask for the dreams that I get...I know no one does, but these dreams haunt me. There's got to be a reason for dreaming right? I just want one good night of sleep...is that too much to ask? I'm tired...deep in my spirit. Something is troubling me, and I don't have the time to dive in and find out what it is, but it's there constantly lurking in the shadows at night and hiding during the day.
Find rest O my soul! Am I restless because I haven't been seeking only You? Fill me with Your Spirit, calm this restless heart and wandering mind. I wish my mind were a blank page....then I would finally get some peace. Father, grant me peace.
What is this sense of urgency? I don't understand it and I wish I could explore it. Father, take away all the distractions that are taking me away from You.
Only You are my everything. Only You have my all. Only You have my heart. Only you have my soul. I need You, I feel like I'm slipping away Father. I need You.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Overcoming Boredom
So, while sitting here in the library from 9:45am-5:00pm, one tends to get just a little bored. Whilst, isn't that a cool word?, sitting here, I thought of things to do that could make the time go by just a little bit faster.
This is the account of Karye Cook...Student Library Worker.
These events take place between 1:00pm and 5:45pm. (too bad Kiefer Sutherland's not here to keep me company......hehe...er...um.....I mean. uh.)
1:01pm
Walked around the IRC, looking for anything I have never seen before.
Found=Nothing.
1:27pm
Patron, that's what we library workers call you people who check out books, walks down with little kids. One's a brat, the other's just a little sprout. The mom...annoyed. Also known as a bad patron.
Success at being polite.
1:45pm
I could've sworn...if I swear which I don't...that I saw a dust buster roll by...could be eyesight, but doubtful.
1:59pm
Took gate count. A whopping 2 people went by....me going to the restroom.
2:20pm
Nothing. Nata. Zilch. Zero movement.
2:43pm
Watch a fly make it's way around the IRC...decide to try my tracking skills. Followed fly for a successful time of 3min.
3:00pm
Took gate count.
3:30pm
Patron comes down...kinda looks like a man..not sure. It talks to me and wants to know where the card catalog is....this person..he or she is really ticked. I tell them that they can find it online if they want...what are they looking for. It tells me it's looking for nullberry prize books...or something like that. I say I need a title...it gets mad and marches..yes marches to the computer. At this point I've decided this person is a woman whose had miltary training.
3:45pm
Another patron enters the IRC...this patron looks like a man as well but it's a woman..small skinny woman wearing some kind of jungle hat..the one that has the thing that goes under the chin, you know what I'm talking bout. Can't find video smells faintly of misquito spray.
4:00pm
A BUTT load of books make there way to me. I counted about somewhere around 59. We'll say 60 for Monks sake. (the tv monk, not an actual monk..ha)
4:25pm
Finally done shelfing mass books and videos and stupid educational text books. Cuts finger on Math book...go figure. Bleeds to death..haha..ok ok....obviously i don't but it's kinda cool.
4:26pm
Decides to write this post.
4:30pm
Tries to move pen with mind.........failure.
4:42pm
Looks at clock. That's how I know what time it is.
4:42pm
IT'S STILL 4:42?!!
4:43pm
Closes eyes really tight for 15sec then opens them. The first image I see is scissors. Ha.
4:44pm
Has to pee...brb
4:47pm
Wonders what's taking that announcement so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4:48pm
Turns out lights and closes doors............waits in dark...kinda scared.
4:50pm
Forget this! I'm going home!
This is the account of Karye Cook...Student Library Worker.
These events take place between 1:00pm and 5:45pm. (too bad Kiefer Sutherland's not here to keep me company......hehe...er...um.....I mean. uh.)
1:01pm
Walked around the IRC, looking for anything I have never seen before.
Found=Nothing.
1:27pm
Patron, that's what we library workers call you people who check out books, walks down with little kids. One's a brat, the other's just a little sprout. The mom...annoyed. Also known as a bad patron.
Success at being polite.
1:45pm
I could've sworn...if I swear which I don't...that I saw a dust buster roll by...could be eyesight, but doubtful.
1:59pm
Took gate count. A whopping 2 people went by....me going to the restroom.
2:20pm
Nothing. Nata. Zilch. Zero movement.
2:43pm
Watch a fly make it's way around the IRC...decide to try my tracking skills. Followed fly for a successful time of 3min.
3:00pm
Took gate count.
3:30pm
Patron comes down...kinda looks like a man..not sure. It talks to me and wants to know where the card catalog is....this person..he or she is really ticked. I tell them that they can find it online if they want...what are they looking for. It tells me it's looking for nullberry prize books...or something like that. I say I need a title...it gets mad and marches..yes marches to the computer. At this point I've decided this person is a woman whose had miltary training.
3:45pm
Another patron enters the IRC...this patron looks like a man as well but it's a woman..small skinny woman wearing some kind of jungle hat..the one that has the thing that goes under the chin, you know what I'm talking bout. Can't find video smells faintly of misquito spray.
4:00pm
A BUTT load of books make there way to me. I counted about somewhere around 59. We'll say 60 for Monks sake. (the tv monk, not an actual monk..ha)
4:25pm
Finally done shelfing mass books and videos and stupid educational text books. Cuts finger on Math book...go figure. Bleeds to death..haha..ok ok....obviously i don't but it's kinda cool.
4:26pm
Decides to write this post.
4:30pm
Tries to move pen with mind.........failure.
4:42pm
Looks at clock. That's how I know what time it is.
4:42pm
IT'S STILL 4:42?!!
4:43pm
Closes eyes really tight for 15sec then opens them. The first image I see is scissors. Ha.
4:44pm
Has to pee...brb
4:47pm
Wonders what's taking that announcement so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4:48pm
Turns out lights and closes doors............waits in dark...kinda scared.
4:50pm
Forget this! I'm going home!
Monday, June 9, 2008
No Morals
So a couple of days ago there was a video on the news...I think it was the online news for msn or aol, and in this video an elderly man is seen being hit by a car!!! In this video it shows a sweet old man getting hit by a car while two cars are passing another. The thing that just blows my mind is that the people around don't help him at all! The people walking on the street just walk right up to him, and the people driving just drive right on by. The guy on the scooter turns around but leaves later on. The news says that the man is paralyzed and no one helped him because he was bleeding but still alive and his head moves just a little bit. He's now in the hospital fighting for his life! People sicken me! My heart seriously ached outta my chest as I watched this video. How many of you would have helped? I would've tried something....anything whether it's just touching his hand to let him know someone cares or talking to him...anything is better than nothing.
Another example, Erin and I went to Target today and when we were leaving there was a woman with a cane trying to get out of the exit but her cane kept hitting the metal detectors and people were staring and no one offered to help or anything. She came upon me and Erin and we asked her if she was trying to get out and she was like yes if you could just point me in the direction. She then asked what her cane was hitting and we told her. We pointed her in the direction but then she kept having trouble so she reached for Erin's arm and Erin lead her and I walked beside her. I told her about my sister, who also has to walk with a cane..or she's suppose to..Kisha Denise. This is why my sister is afraid to use it, because people are so rude. I understand that we are naturally curious but please...instead of staring help the person out if you see them having a hard time. We parted ways with her when she assured us that she was able to make it on her own. I wish I had offered to drive her to her destination which was further up the way. I didn't think of it then though. I'm not saying this to kind of lift me up at all, but just to show how people in this world are. We are scared of the unfamilar and the strange yet we are called to be "set apart from the world." I think this is why it's so hard for us, myself included to be such a great witness for Christ. We are, inside, scared of being looked at, laughed at, "on the spot" so to speak". My eyes are slowly being opened to the things that I see as "important" in my life, that pale in comparison to the Love and opinion of my Savior. He didn't have to die for me. But He did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ICQ15Es_Ng&NR=1
Another example, Erin and I went to Target today and when we were leaving there was a woman with a cane trying to get out of the exit but her cane kept hitting the metal detectors and people were staring and no one offered to help or anything. She came upon me and Erin and we asked her if she was trying to get out and she was like yes if you could just point me in the direction. She then asked what her cane was hitting and we told her. We pointed her in the direction but then she kept having trouble so she reached for Erin's arm and Erin lead her and I walked beside her. I told her about my sister, who also has to walk with a cane..or she's suppose to..Kisha Denise. This is why my sister is afraid to use it, because people are so rude. I understand that we are naturally curious but please...instead of staring help the person out if you see them having a hard time. We parted ways with her when she assured us that she was able to make it on her own. I wish I had offered to drive her to her destination which was further up the way. I didn't think of it then though. I'm not saying this to kind of lift me up at all, but just to show how people in this world are. We are scared of the unfamilar and the strange yet we are called to be "set apart from the world." I think this is why it's so hard for us, myself included to be such a great witness for Christ. We are, inside, scared of being looked at, laughed at, "on the spot" so to speak". My eyes are slowly being opened to the things that I see as "important" in my life, that pale in comparison to the Love and opinion of my Savior. He didn't have to die for me. But He did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ICQ15Es_Ng&NR=1
Friday, June 6, 2008
Light in a world of Darkness
WARNING...POST MAY BE EXTREMELY LONG. CAN BE READ IN PIECES. :) ALSO CONTAINS "FEELINGS" AND "EMOTION" FOR ALL YOU UNEMOTIONAL PEOPLE. LOL. you know who you are, but please, by all means don't let that stop you. :)
"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven" -Matt. 5:16
"Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of going wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us." -1 Peter 2:12
What a responsibility Christians have on their shoulders. To be reflections of Christ, One who while on this earth, was Pure, and Holy. Those are mighty big sandals to fill! I think the one thing that Christians forget is that Christ gives us strength...either we don't ask for it, or we don't believe it. I know this is random, but one of my roommates and I were talking today while I was going to Target, and we talked about this subject. I dunno how we got on it, but it was definitely illuminating. (Isn't that a great word? Illuminating...) Anyway, we got on the subject of Christians who give other Christian a bad name. It's so sad, and one of my greatest pet peeves when a "Christian" can ruin the name for everyone!
One my examples comes from Pastors, who both just so happen to come from my church. The first pastor isn't there anymore. My dad used to go to church every time the doors were open. He felt the call of being a pastor on his life and wanted to preach. He was always in the Word and on fire for God. The one thing that stopped him was the pastor at that time. He confronted my dad and told him that no one who smoked was going to preach behind HIS pulpit. I can understand where it's a bad image for a pastor to smoke and preach, but instead of speaking this in a loving manner, he attacked my dad causing my dad's enthusiasm and attendance to go to zilch. Well, a couple of months ago, I'll say 5 to 6 months ago my dad was back in church because a very good friend of ours became our new pastor after the former pastor that confronted my dad left. Only 3 months ago this pastor decides to verbally attack my mom in a moment of anger. Turns out, he's been angry at my mom for 4 years now. Talk about coming out of left field! He's never showed this or anything until the day he confronted my mom. This was such a blow to my family. There's so much more to this story, and since this is my blog, I'm getting it all out. So, FYI, this could be a very LONG post. lol. Sorry. What can I say? I'm a blogger. :) So..where was I? Oh yea, well my family makes up a good percentage of the church. I come from a country church...real country. It all started when he got pastor, certain people were put on the board that shouldn't even be there. These people don't like the fact that my family practically "runs" the church as they put it, especially my mom. They've influenced my pastor, and apparently his anger had a part as well. Well my dad is furious after this. He keeps going after much arguing until the day that we are there and another confrontation after church in front of everyone happens between my mom and the pastor again. I don't realize because I'm outside. I'm sitting in a friends car waiting for my family when from the rear view mirror I see my mom walking to the back of the church, crying, with my Nanny (grandmother) following her. There are several things that I can't take in life that make me so mad I can hurt someone. The number one thing I can't stand is seeing my mom cry. I'd rather someone torture me to death than see that, and I'm dead serious. My mom and I have been through so much. I was the one that had to be there for the break down after the first time my dad left her. I was the one that held her and tried to pray as she cried in my arms. I was the one that was there through all the tears. I don't care who you are or how close I am to you, you do not make my mom cry. So...now that I've gotten that off my chest, when I saw her that day crying behind the church, I literally saw red. I was out of that car faster than the pastor could say Amen and in his face. It was a very good thing that he was already talking to someone because I had a chance to cool down. I'm glad to say that I handled the situation with the Grace that only comes from God. I didn't cry (as I usually do when I'm mad) and I didn't tear him to pieces. I was the three C's...literally. It was all G-O-D. I won't go into that conversation. Several days later my dad was called to meet with the pastor at the church alone. On this day, my dad's pride and faith in people...and sadly in Christ was shattered. The pastor accused my dad of so many things....that's one thing I hate about a small church. Everyone knows every one's business. He even called my dad a "bum" and accused him of not supporting his family. This is another thing you do not do. You do not call my dad any kind of names and accuse him of not trying to support his family. My dad's had a bad back since I was 12. He's tried to work, but one of the downsides about applying for a job is that you have to be accepted. He never was because of his back. He's done odd jobs for people like, carpentry, roofing, sheet rocking...and he's come home in so much pain that it hurt me to watch. My may be many things....but he is NOT a bum.
All of this to say, dude...us Christians, we need to STEP IT UP! Satan has long ago been aware of our weaknesses. He knows where to strike and he won't hesitate. I know it's easier said than done...believe me....but don't put yourself in situations you'll regret later. Someone is always watching........I'm serious. It feels like there may not be consequences then....but afterward...there are ALWAYS consequences even when we can't see them...especially when we can't see them. Remember...God knows our hearts and our minds. That's enough to scare me..We are so lucky, BLESSED to have the only God on our side. I'm not perfect...sometimes I know what I'm about to do is wrong...sadly I even plan it ahead, knowing that I'm putting myself in a situation that will be extremely hard to get out of, thinking afterward...I can always ask for forgiveness later. I'M TIRED OF USING THAT AS A CRUTCH. It's time that I become the LIGHT God has called us to be in the Darkness. I'm ready to finally take a stand...I'm through being a mediocre Christian!! I wanna be everything, anything, I can be for my God, my Lover, my Father, my Life, my very Best Friend, my ALL. I WANT CHRIST TO CONSUME ME.
"I looked, and behold, the glory of the Lord filled the house of the Lord, and I fell upon my face." -Ezekiel 44:4
DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING STATED HERE IN THIS POST IS MOSTLY POINTED TOWARDS ME. IF YOU FEEL CONVICTED, ASK YOURSELF WHY. I DID.
"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven" -Matt. 5:16
"Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of going wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us." -1 Peter 2:12
What a responsibility Christians have on their shoulders. To be reflections of Christ, One who while on this earth, was Pure, and Holy. Those are mighty big sandals to fill! I think the one thing that Christians forget is that Christ gives us strength...either we don't ask for it, or we don't believe it. I know this is random, but one of my roommates and I were talking today while I was going to Target, and we talked about this subject. I dunno how we got on it, but it was definitely illuminating. (Isn't that a great word? Illuminating...) Anyway, we got on the subject of Christians who give other Christian a bad name. It's so sad, and one of my greatest pet peeves when a "Christian" can ruin the name for everyone!
One my examples comes from Pastors, who both just so happen to come from my church. The first pastor isn't there anymore. My dad used to go to church every time the doors were open. He felt the call of being a pastor on his life and wanted to preach. He was always in the Word and on fire for God. The one thing that stopped him was the pastor at that time. He confronted my dad and told him that no one who smoked was going to preach behind HIS pulpit. I can understand where it's a bad image for a pastor to smoke and preach, but instead of speaking this in a loving manner, he attacked my dad causing my dad's enthusiasm and attendance to go to zilch. Well, a couple of months ago, I'll say 5 to 6 months ago my dad was back in church because a very good friend of ours became our new pastor after the former pastor that confronted my dad left. Only 3 months ago this pastor decides to verbally attack my mom in a moment of anger. Turns out, he's been angry at my mom for 4 years now. Talk about coming out of left field! He's never showed this or anything until the day he confronted my mom. This was such a blow to my family. There's so much more to this story, and since this is my blog, I'm getting it all out. So, FYI, this could be a very LONG post. lol. Sorry. What can I say? I'm a blogger. :) So..where was I? Oh yea, well my family makes up a good percentage of the church. I come from a country church...real country. It all started when he got pastor, certain people were put on the board that shouldn't even be there. These people don't like the fact that my family practically "runs" the church as they put it, especially my mom. They've influenced my pastor, and apparently his anger had a part as well. Well my dad is furious after this. He keeps going after much arguing until the day that we are there and another confrontation after church in front of everyone happens between my mom and the pastor again. I don't realize because I'm outside. I'm sitting in a friends car waiting for my family when from the rear view mirror I see my mom walking to the back of the church, crying, with my Nanny (grandmother) following her. There are several things that I can't take in life that make me so mad I can hurt someone. The number one thing I can't stand is seeing my mom cry. I'd rather someone torture me to death than see that, and I'm dead serious. My mom and I have been through so much. I was the one that had to be there for the break down after the first time my dad left her. I was the one that held her and tried to pray as she cried in my arms. I was the one that was there through all the tears. I don't care who you are or how close I am to you, you do not make my mom cry. So...now that I've gotten that off my chest, when I saw her that day crying behind the church, I literally saw red. I was out of that car faster than the pastor could say Amen and in his face. It was a very good thing that he was already talking to someone because I had a chance to cool down. I'm glad to say that I handled the situation with the Grace that only comes from God. I didn't cry (as I usually do when I'm mad) and I didn't tear him to pieces. I was the three C's...literally. It was all G-O-D. I won't go into that conversation. Several days later my dad was called to meet with the pastor at the church alone. On this day, my dad's pride and faith in people...and sadly in Christ was shattered. The pastor accused my dad of so many things....that's one thing I hate about a small church. Everyone knows every one's business. He even called my dad a "bum" and accused him of not supporting his family. This is another thing you do not do. You do not call my dad any kind of names and accuse him of not trying to support his family. My dad's had a bad back since I was 12. He's tried to work, but one of the downsides about applying for a job is that you have to be accepted. He never was because of his back. He's done odd jobs for people like, carpentry, roofing, sheet rocking...and he's come home in so much pain that it hurt me to watch. My may be many things....but he is NOT a bum.
All of this to say, dude...us Christians, we need to STEP IT UP! Satan has long ago been aware of our weaknesses. He knows where to strike and he won't hesitate. I know it's easier said than done...believe me....but don't put yourself in situations you'll regret later. Someone is always watching........I'm serious. It feels like there may not be consequences then....but afterward...there are ALWAYS consequences even when we can't see them...especially when we can't see them. Remember...God knows our hearts and our minds. That's enough to scare me..We are so lucky, BLESSED to have the only God on our side. I'm not perfect...sometimes I know what I'm about to do is wrong...sadly I even plan it ahead, knowing that I'm putting myself in a situation that will be extremely hard to get out of, thinking afterward...I can always ask for forgiveness later. I'M TIRED OF USING THAT AS A CRUTCH. It's time that I become the LIGHT God has called us to be in the Darkness. I'm ready to finally take a stand...I'm through being a mediocre Christian!! I wanna be everything, anything, I can be for my God, my Lover, my Father, my Life, my very Best Friend, my ALL. I WANT CHRIST TO CONSUME ME.
"I looked, and behold, the glory of the Lord filled the house of the Lord, and I fell upon my face." -Ezekiel 44:4
DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING STATED HERE IN THIS POST IS MOSTLY POINTED TOWARDS ME. IF YOU FEEL CONVICTED, ASK YOURSELF WHY. I DID.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Frauders Should DIE!
What is the worst thing that could happen to someone?
A house fall on them while they're trying to tie ruby red slippers that don't even tie?
A dog named Totoe getting caught in a tornado before your very eyes?
A wet diaper being thrown at your face by a little kid? (for you ems)
A witch offers you a apple and you take a great big bite out of it and find out that it's poisonous and the prince doesn't really exist so your screwed? OH NO! None of these....besides the last one...that one's pretty awful, but none of these compare to Frauders!! I'm so sick and tired of getting scammed. What? Do I have a sticker that can be seen from space that says, "Scam Karye she's a dummy!?" You may be wondering why the anger? I'll tell you why, so glad you asked.
Today I checked my mail. It's an ordinary day...except that it's blistering hot! That should've been a sign...k maybe not but still, it's my story I can say that. Any who, I checked my mail had a package that turned out to be a medium sized envelope addressed to me that says extremely urgent. I opened it and the only thing inside were two postal money orders that were each $850 smacker roos! That my friends, and for those who like me are numerically challenged is $1700!! I'm not gonna lie when I say that my heart stopped beating for like maybe 2 sec. before my mind took over and said...seriously? I don't think so. I had a feeling that it was a fraud. I ended up going to the bank and campus post office until I was directed to the postal frauding inspection something or other. Yea....its a freaking scam. I really dislike you Robert Steranko...if that's even your real name!!!!
So on a lighter note....I could get a reward money up to $50,000 if this guy or girl (it could happen) gets caught. Dude.....like I said I'm numerically challenged but something tells me that $50,000 is a little bit more than $1,700. Please correct me if I'm wrong. So yea. If that's the case and I do get the reward money.....shopping, food, and pink lemonades are on me!! If that happens....thank you Robert Steranko you great baboon!
A house fall on them while they're trying to tie ruby red slippers that don't even tie?
A dog named Totoe getting caught in a tornado before your very eyes?
A wet diaper being thrown at your face by a little kid? (for you ems)
A witch offers you a apple and you take a great big bite out of it and find out that it's poisonous and the prince doesn't really exist so your screwed? OH NO! None of these....besides the last one...that one's pretty awful, but none of these compare to Frauders!! I'm so sick and tired of getting scammed. What? Do I have a sticker that can be seen from space that says, "Scam Karye she's a dummy!?" You may be wondering why the anger? I'll tell you why, so glad you asked.
Today I checked my mail. It's an ordinary day...except that it's blistering hot! That should've been a sign...k maybe not but still, it's my story I can say that. Any who, I checked my mail had a package that turned out to be a medium sized envelope addressed to me that says extremely urgent. I opened it and the only thing inside were two postal money orders that were each $850 smacker roos! That my friends, and for those who like me are numerically challenged is $1700!! I'm not gonna lie when I say that my heart stopped beating for like maybe 2 sec. before my mind took over and said...seriously? I don't think so. I had a feeling that it was a fraud. I ended up going to the bank and campus post office until I was directed to the postal frauding inspection something or other. Yea....its a freaking scam. I really dislike you Robert Steranko...if that's even your real name!!!!
So on a lighter note....I could get a reward money up to $50,000 if this guy or girl (it could happen) gets caught. Dude.....like I said I'm numerically challenged but something tells me that $50,000 is a little bit more than $1,700. Please correct me if I'm wrong. So yea. If that's the case and I do get the reward money.....shopping, food, and pink lemonades are on me!! If that happens....thank you Robert Steranko you great baboon!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The Valley
"Let every valley be lifted up and every mountain and hill be made low; and let the rough ground become a plain and the rugged terrain a broad valley." Isaiah 40:4
It's funny how the view from the Valley's in life provide a different viewpoint. In the Valley, everything seems much much bigger and blown out of porportion. We can't see what's over the mountain that looms above us, but we can take comfort in the fact that God can see what's over that mountain. I'm not one to display all of my emotions over something so public, usually that's my sister Kisha. haha..jk Kisha. But a very wise lady known as my grandmother, told me over Memorial weekend that it's not good to keep things inside. As a result while I was at my grandmother's house I had a dream that really shook me. I'll post the dream and then I'll tell you my uncle's anaylsis.
In my dream I'm a bull, don't laugh. :). In my dream I'm confronted with this huge mountain, and as a bull it's even bigger and just seems to tower so high above me. It's also really really wide. As this bull, I'm using my head and I'm doing my very best to move this mountain, but it's absolutely refusing to budge. I get maybe a couple of inches, barely even inches and then it won't move anymore.
My uncle Stephen's analysis of this dream was that the bull represents an emotion: anger.
He said that the mountain represents an obstacle that I'm trying to overcome and I'm angry about this "mountain". Afterward, I went back to the bedroom I was sleeping in and thought about the dream and his intrepretation. It seemed like it was right on because one of the reasons why I went home was I needed to go out to the house before it was sold. My mom told me that the deal was going to be done Wednesday, and I was there til Monday. The next day, I go out to the house and it hurt. Seeing everything empty, the place where I spent many years of my childhood growing up. I made my way through the rooms, all the memories clouding in and ghosts occupying the room so that it played like a movie in my mind. I visualized where everything was suppose to be, and eventually I made it to my bedroom. This hurt the worst. Everything was gone, nothing was left behind. I went to the place where my bed was, sat on the floor and sobbed like a baby. The whole time my mom was trying to sell the house it felt surrel. I didn't believe that it was actually going to happen, that my home was no longer going to be my home. While a million thoughts were going through my mind a verse popped into all the chaos.
"Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have lodging places, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." Matthew 8:20
I immediately regretted my little pity party. In my last post I said that things happen for a reason, and that I have to believe that. I still stand by that statement. When it seems that Satan keeps throwing curve balls your way, it's got to make you think, I'm doing something right. If he's trying to kick me off course that means I'm headed in the right direction. I left my home that day with mixed feelings. I finally got my sense of "closure". I would like to say that I feel better after that day, but in fact I still dream about home. I'm going to miss it so much. Even now when I stumble across a picture at the house I tear up. It's going to take some time to heal these wounds...time. But I do know that time is nothing to my God. He created it. That gives me comfort.
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
It's funny how the view from the Valley's in life provide a different viewpoint. In the Valley, everything seems much much bigger and blown out of porportion. We can't see what's over the mountain that looms above us, but we can take comfort in the fact that God can see what's over that mountain. I'm not one to display all of my emotions over something so public, usually that's my sister Kisha. haha..jk Kisha. But a very wise lady known as my grandmother, told me over Memorial weekend that it's not good to keep things inside. As a result while I was at my grandmother's house I had a dream that really shook me. I'll post the dream and then I'll tell you my uncle's anaylsis.
In my dream I'm a bull, don't laugh. :). In my dream I'm confronted with this huge mountain, and as a bull it's even bigger and just seems to tower so high above me. It's also really really wide. As this bull, I'm using my head and I'm doing my very best to move this mountain, but it's absolutely refusing to budge. I get maybe a couple of inches, barely even inches and then it won't move anymore.
My uncle Stephen's analysis of this dream was that the bull represents an emotion: anger.
He said that the mountain represents an obstacle that I'm trying to overcome and I'm angry about this "mountain". Afterward, I went back to the bedroom I was sleeping in and thought about the dream and his intrepretation. It seemed like it was right on because one of the reasons why I went home was I needed to go out to the house before it was sold. My mom told me that the deal was going to be done Wednesday, and I was there til Monday. The next day, I go out to the house and it hurt. Seeing everything empty, the place where I spent many years of my childhood growing up. I made my way through the rooms, all the memories clouding in and ghosts occupying the room so that it played like a movie in my mind. I visualized where everything was suppose to be, and eventually I made it to my bedroom. This hurt the worst. Everything was gone, nothing was left behind. I went to the place where my bed was, sat on the floor and sobbed like a baby. The whole time my mom was trying to sell the house it felt surrel. I didn't believe that it was actually going to happen, that my home was no longer going to be my home. While a million thoughts were going through my mind a verse popped into all the chaos.
"Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have lodging places, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." Matthew 8:20
I immediately regretted my little pity party. In my last post I said that things happen for a reason, and that I have to believe that. I still stand by that statement. When it seems that Satan keeps throwing curve balls your way, it's got to make you think, I'm doing something right. If he's trying to kick me off course that means I'm headed in the right direction. I left my home that day with mixed feelings. I finally got my sense of "closure". I would like to say that I feel better after that day, but in fact I still dream about home. I'm going to miss it so much. Even now when I stumble across a picture at the house I tear up. It's going to take some time to heal these wounds...time. But I do know that time is nothing to my God. He created it. That gives me comfort.
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
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