Arg!

"For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to bring you a hope and a future."

This verse has been my scripture throughout my college life...since I was a freshy. God's been constantly whispering this to my heart, and lately it's been a lot stronger because of everything that's been going on. I'm so thankful to my Lord and Savior for all that He's done for me and mine.

I got a call early Thursday morning from my dad saying that Grandpa was in the ICU because of his heart and he was on his way to the hospital. Right after I hung up with my dad, I got a call from my Nanny that my Aunt Leslie who lives in Jacksonville, Florida got caught in the hurricane. She was driving and her SUV got flung against a tree and there's nothing left of it. She was taken to the emergency room and it didn't look good, but she's only got a broken collar bone. The doctor's say she's lucky because the collar bone would've punctured her lung. I say she's blessed, luck has nothing to do with it. See, my aunt's not a Christian and she's been going through a lot. Recently, after leading a Captivating group on campus I really felt lead to send the book to her. I gave a copy to my Nanny who sent it and God's really working on her heart. He's got big plans for my Aunt Leslie. The weird thing....both of these things happened around 4:30 that morning.

All these to say, school hasn't even started yet and already my life is unfolding. lol. I can't do anything but laugh. Even though this semester's got my stomach in knots, even though I feel so lost and alone, I have to laugh. While I may look at this as being excluded or ignored...God is using this time of seeming loneliness to speak to my heart. God is wanting an audience with...me. And by all means, I'm here. For so long I've cried out to God to speak to me, to work in me, to set me apart and use me. How can I pass this moment up just because of fears, worries, and what people do to me? I'm a child of THE King, and that has and should impact my life.

School's about to start. Something in my gut tells me that I need to prepare myself for what lies ahead. There are going to be tremendous amounts of "loneliness" where I feel I have no one to turn to, or no where to run. But I know that's not true. My friends may fail me, but I don't fault them that. People may act "heartless", but I know that it's just a facade. As children of God, you do care, you have to care. It's in caring that you ARE like Him.

I'm not perfect. Even though every day I strive to be....God wants so much more than perfection. He wants my love, my desire, my all to be for Him. He wants to be wanted as much as I do! And I want to want Him with all that I have, nothing held back. No matter what life hurtles my way, I stand wrapped in the arms of my Best Friend and Lover.

For what does it profit a man to gain the world, but lose his soul?

The Shack

Recently I just got through reading this amazing book! (the title of my post in case you don't know). This book, though labeled fiction, is so true and real. While I was reading this book, I felt that I was Mack, that I was the one in the presence of the Almighty...and that Papa had chosen me to be there with Him to just..be. Man, a shout out to one of my bestest Holly! My relationship with Papa has changed in personal way that I had been looking for!
Now I'm aware of His presence, even when I don't know it. lol. He's all around me!! He knows me. He loves me. He desires me. Wow. God created me to enjoy me. God chose me.
Man. I love it! It reminded me of the song by Lifehouse, "Everything" which I love!
Find Me Here, Speak to me.
I want to feel you, I need to hear you.
You are the light that is leading me
to the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking,
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the life to my soul, you are my purpose.
You are everything. And how can i stand here with
You and not be moved by you? Would You tell me
how could it be any better than this? You calm the
storms, You give me rest. You hold me in Your hands.
You won't let me fall, You still my heart, You take my
breath away. Would You take me in, would You take
me deeper now 'cause You're all I want. You are all I
need. You are everything.
Also, I realized something while on the website. Someone wrote something that really really stuck. When I go through things in this life that hurt me terribly, I don't have to do what that pain and hurt tell me. God knows that hurt and feels it too. Gah! There's just too much thought to put on this post but I thought I would at least post something. lol. It's probably so scattered that its not even understandable, but this book is my #1. I would say that Bible is...but that wouldn't be very honest of me. I am however doing me best to dive deeper into the words of my Papa!!! (God) lol. Life...just got sweeter.

Future

Lately I've just felt like some thing's getting closer...and it's a good something. I dunno if it's because of the book I just got through reading that's giving me this emotion but I just feel...expectant and hopeful. That change is about to happen and it's going to change the norm for me.

The other night I was alone in the apartment and I couldn't sleep so I did what I normally do. I just started talking to God in a small whisper. I talked about my day, my hopes, my dreams. Suddenly I got a strong urge to talk to God about my future husband. I don't even know if he's out there but I just got the urge to pray anyway. So I did. While I was praying, I decided it wouldn't hurt to give God my "wish list", or more like recommendations that must be there along with a few minor details. I've never been the type of girl to talk about what I call "froo froo" things. I mean, sure, in the back of my mind I've always thought about marriage and stuff...but I have dreams that are more pressing than that.

Here's how I see it:

I want to be able to do things without worrying about if it will hurt "his" feelings, or if it will interrupt "his" schedule. I guess right now I'm just too selfish with my own dreams before I can worry about others dreams. I want to be able to travel without thinking about what I've left behind; it's already going to be tough leaving family to go into the Great Unknown. I don't and I won't be the reason for anyone to put their dreams on hold for me, not that I think that highly of myself, I've just seen it happen.

But still...that feeling of expectancy still hasn't gone away since I prayed that prayer. I don't know what it means and I feel childish posting this post, but oh well.
"It's my post and I can do what I want" :) The change that's coming doesn't necessarily coincide with my prayer that night, but it's something different I assure you.

Still...I can't help but wonder what's coming....

Left To Tell

I just got through reading an amazing book! I love it when I have the opportunity to read something so great, but especially when the book is an inspiration to me. The book is what I titled my blog, Left To Tell, and it's written by Immaculee Ilibagiza whose a survivor of the Rwandan Holocaust.

Her story is amazing and touched me deeply.

Many things she wrote about I will never ever forget but what really stood out to me was something she said while hiding in a cramped bathroom with seven other women. It was during this time in her life that she was the closest to God she's ever been. What she said that really touched me has to do with something I've been searching my soul for and the answer came through her and her story.

My struggles dim when compared to hers, but I want to explain what mine are so when I reveal what she said that truly touched me, it will be understood clearly.

No one knows the future, only God does. We as humans long to know what's coming up next. I think it must be human nature to wonder and even ask God what the future holds for us. I know I've asked Him countless times, with never an answer but the dawning of each new day.
While I was at camp, I realized that I didn't need to know the future. When I know something is going to happen in advance, I worry and fret over it and try to plan things down to a T.
That's how I came to realize I'm more of a "fly by the seat of my pants" kinda gal. It's just better that way for me.

What this woman said during the scariest moments of her life...affected me because I felt as if I was her and God was speaking directly to me. What she had to say was this:

I was certain that God had a greater purpose for me, and I prayed every day for Him to reveal it to me. At first I was expecting Him to show me my entire future all at once--maybe with a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder thrown in for good measure. But I came to learn that God never shows us something we aren't yet ready to understand. Instead, He lets us see what we need to see, when we need to see it. He'll wait until our eyes and hearts are open to Him, and then when we're ready, He will plant our feet on the path that's best for us...but it's up to us to do the walking. (pg.114).

O God, plant my feet upon the path that You would have me to trod...what a fun word. Open doors that lead to Your will and Your's alone, and close the doors that have my will at heart and cloud You from my view. I want only to do what You would have me to do. Lead me in Your way, where all my fears are silenced.

Spiritual Renewal Part II :)

I got blessed so much I had to write two posts to cover everything! lol. So, as I said, camp was A-mazing. I really gained a lot from being there and the two services that touched me the most were the services Wednesday night "breaking free from bitterness" and Friday night's sermon "breaking free from brokenness".

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:31-32

Something this pastor said that stuck was "We are chained and bound to the past bitterness that we carry when we've already been set free by Christ". In other words, God has already done everything to set us free from our past but we are the one's that are binding ourselves to it. God doesn't want us to stay stuck in the past, so we take it to God and leave it at the cross. In my experience, taking it to God won't help you unless you leave it there. That's the key word.
Needless to say, God spoke to me through that message. Even though I had taken my hurt and anger to God, I never left it there with Him. I still carried it around inside because I dwelled on it constantly if something came up that reminded me of those old wounds. Not anymore. That night I went to the altar, and I left everything there. My hurt, my anger, my expectations, my desires, my bitterness. I do have to thank God for a kind woman Mary Martin who stayed there at the altar with a total stranger while she sobbed out her story and wouldn't let me leave until I had left it there. Thanks for her God, and thank you for your compassion and obeying God's gentle prodding.

The other sermon that touched me was "breaking free from brokenness".

"God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds"
-Psalm 147:3

This was a great sermon to come after the previous one I wrote on. Now that I had released all that hurt, the healing process could take place. The pastor that spoke had a couple of handouts out that had a bandaid stapled to them. He told us to take off the bandaids and place them over our hearts. So throughout the service that's what we did...keep this in mind as I talk about his sermon. He spoke about God being aware of our pain, and how He cares about our hurts. He gave four tips for healing.
1. Don't repress it. (guilty)
2. Don't rehearse it. (guilty)
3. Don't regret it.
4. Release it!

"I am the God who heals"-Exodus 15:26

At the end of the service, the pastor asked us to take off our bandaids and to write on them what our hurt was and then to come to the altar and place our bandaids there and to walk away from them. It was great, that altar had so many bandaids on it.

"God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds" -Psalm 147:3

That night, I could feel God's presence more clearly than I ever could. I finally understood why, even after crying out to Him so many times to feel His presence, why I couldn't. I was holding myself back, and by trusting God and going on this trip, my prayer was answered in ways I couldn't even imagine. I feel like God's will is so much clearer, and I feel His calling stronger. Already He's given me tasks to do, even before I got back to campus.
One of those tasks is going to be extremely hard, but I know where my strength comes from. I have to talk with the president of Trevecca and I'm nervous, but he's really sweet so I'm sure he'll understand. It's time for Christians to step it up in their walks with God, because He's called us to be different, to be set apart and I'm not seeing that on campus; just the opposite.
Another task, I have to find a different church home. I've been going to TCC on campus, and I love it there, but God has other plans. I feel that He wants me to go to a smaller church where I can be more involved and where I can be in a close knit family of sorts. I'm hesitant and a little anxious to do this for many reasons. I come from a small church and was really close with everyone, so close that dirty laundry got aired. Things happened and people got hurt and it's just a memory, and I don't want that to happen again. I do miss the good of being close to those around you. How do you balance it out? Anyway, that is what has been going on in my life so far. I think that's as up to date as I can get. lol. That and God's speaking to my heart about working in China. That's another reason why the missionaries at camp were a blessing.

I thank God for all that He is. May I serve Him all of my days.

"No need to remember past events, no need to think about what was done before. Look, I am doing something new." - Isaiah 43:18-19

Spiritual Renewal

FYI: Long Post...your welcome. :)

"O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.Your plans for us are too numerous to list.You have no equal.If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,I would never come to the end of them." Psalm 40:5

This past week, I've been at a family church camp in Michigan at the Manton camp grounds with my grandparents. In my last post I stated that it was a family tradition that we use to do when I was really little but I haven't been at that camp in 5 years. Before I got there, I had this sense of restlessness. I think I have a post titled that, so refer back to that one. :) I didn't explain that sense of restlessness very well because I didn't fully know what it was an effect of but now I know.

I wasn't doing God's will.

Now there are two parts to this statement. I was knowingly not doing God's will first of all and the second part that comes from that is not fully being able to understand God's will so some of this was also unknowingly because of the first. Isn't it amazing to look back on things and see where the fall took place and how everything after the fall was a direct result of it?
I hope that made sense, I'm no scholar. ha!

Before going to camp, this restlessness took over my whole being to the point that I wasn't satisfied with ANYthing in my life. I wasn't satisfied at my job, at my church, with my walk with God, with my major, with my choice of university even though I've been here for four years now going on my fifth...life was just not up to par for me at this time. I was so tired of working almost 50 hours a week and never getting a break unless I faked being sick and never getting away. Then, in a converstation with my Nanny, she mentioned her and Pops going and I invited myself along but it was okay with her. But, I decided to pray about it because I wasn't trusting God with my finances. I was freaking out because I would be missing a week of work...almost a full paycheck! After much meditation however, I knew it was what I had to do so I left, not knowing what God had in store for me there.

Camp was A-mazing. I can't even think of the words to describe it. When I got there, everything was as I remembered it; buildings, smells, people, and annoying insects. It was beautiful. I feel nostalgic now thinking of it. This was my weekly schedule, keep in mind I'm an hour ahead there.

7:00- wake up
7:30- eat breakfast in caf.
8:30- prayer meeting (My Pops went to these, while my Nanny and I strolled on the campground)
9:30-10:30 Missionary meeting
10:45-12:00 Bible Study
12:00- Lunch in caf.
1:00-3:00- arts and crafts/or/silent auction til 5.
5:30- eat dinner
7:00-8:30- Evening service

This kept me busy, and in between lunch and dinner I always played basketball with my Pops and a long time camp friend, Amanda (mandy for short). We never played an actual game, just around the world mostly or the best out of ten foul shots. Needless to say, I'm rusty and my Pops beat me plenty, though I did have my share of the winnings. :) I also learned how to play chess with Mandy, but she beat me all the time and I came close to winning only once. Anyway, on to the "meat" of my retreat. :)

The weekly theme at the Evening Services was "Breaking Free". Sunday night was an exception because the missionary spoke that night and his message was so great. More on them later though. So Monday's message was on "Breaking Free, Faith to believe God can set you free". Tuesday's message was "Breaking free from Brittany" which was for the youth and it was really great. It was about sexual purity. Wednesday's message "Breaking free from Bitterness". Thursday's message was "Breaking free from Barbie" it was an okay message but still good. It talked about images and who we are trying to liken ourselves and our children too. Friday's message was on "Breaking free from Brokenness" and this service was also a healing service and was amazing to watch. No one ran down the aisles or anything like that. It was quiet and very reverent, not that the others aren't. Saturday's service was at talk with three pastors and more of a QandA between the congregation and the pastors on stage. It was interesting. And Sunday's conclusion was "Living Free." It was a great conclusion to a great week.

So, to the missionarys. The Peterson family were the missionary's that came to camp to tell us about their ministry in Taipei, Taiwan. They are a family of four with two children, Kristine, who's starting her first year at SAU, and Lindsey, who's going into the 8th grade. They minister in partnership with Overseas Radio and Television or ORTV. The father uses English as a means of reaching people with the gospel through the radio and classroom teaching programs. The mother edits ORTV publications and teaches via raido as well as serving in adminstrative roles within the Free Methodist mission. I got the chance to talk with father for a short time, and the mother as well. They are really great people and have earned a place in my heart. I'll pray for them constantly. Now they are in the states for a year as their daughter settles at school and they travel to talk about their ministry before they go back to Taiwan. Why have they earned a place in my heart? Because God had them there at camp for me to meet them because of what He has placed on my heart but I was scared. This post is already really long, so I'll write a part II. :) My restlessness was settled there at camp, but it was replaced with another sense of restlessness, a good kind. God's will is clearer, and the restlessness I feel now is the urgency to complete it...in God's time of course. :) I'll post more in part II.

"Who is like you among the gods, O Lord—glorious in holiness,awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?" Exodus 15:11

Untitled

First, I'm soooo excited because I finally have a chance to get off campus and away from everyone I'm always around!!!!! You have no idea! For about 11 days I am going to church camp in Michigan with my grandparents. It use to be a family tradition where my family and my grandparents would go, along with my cousins. Man what great times! Now everyone's grown up and married, with no money. lol. So, I have a chance, maybe my last one to go and seek the face of my God. I know He's everywhere, but honestly I don't feel Him on campus or around my friends. Not that it's their problem but my problem. It's all me. I have a lot that I have to listen for. There's something that I'm interested in doing after I graduate and it's like God placed it in my lap right after I prayed for guidance. I've been dreaming about it too and my aunt amber, whom I love so much, gave some great advice. She said that if it's on my heart and mind all the time when I'm not thinking about it, it's gotta be God. So, I'm seeking Him on this area as well. I want to do something for my Savior. I feel so worthless here on campus with faces I see every single day. I need new sights, smells, sounds, faces, tastes. I just need to be refreshed.
Second, things are so crazy right now. I won't expand but growing up sucks, seriously. Growing up and growing apart sucks but it's apart of life and I'm ready for it. I've been emailing one of my greatest friends, Natalie, and she's a smart cookie. I miss her so much! She is, next to Holly whose in Africa, someone I can talk to about anything and I get honest feedback no matter how much it hurts. I've been emailing her back and forth about different things and she's really helped me see the light on a couple of issues. It's great when God gives you people in life who He knows will enrich it. How amazing is God?
Thirdly, no matter how much I grow up there will always be apart of me that will be immature is childish. I see myself at the age of 49 and still cracking jokes with friends like I do. I'm a 15yr old trapped in an almost 23yr old body! Speaking of, holy poo! Two more months and I'm going to be 23! I don't feel it at all. I still feel 15 or at the very least 18, and I look it too. lol.
Fourthly, I dunno why I'm counting....but this is the last thing. My life is always changing but I know the one Who's unchanging. When things seem to be awkward and tense in life, I know that my God has things under control. I may not know what's going on, and I'm learning that's okay. He knows and that should be enough for me to give me peace of mind. I'm working on it. :)
I'm learning to love life, the ups and the downs. It's all apart of His plan. I'm just along for the ride. lol.