Your Love Is All I Needed

     My Papa likes to talk a lot about the Bible and the Second Coming and today, at breakfast, he brought up how cruel the cross was. We see it as a symbol of love because of the great sacrifice of Jesus. But it was used then as a symbol of violence and punishment for criminals. My Papa said something that just clicked in my mind about how much God truly loves His people. I've grown up knowing that He's sent His only Son....but...there's so much more to the story and I never got it until this morning.
     Jesus not only had to offer His life as a sacrifice so that our sins would be forgiven...He loves us SO much and He didn't want to leave us alone on earth after He went back to Heaven, so He sent us the Holy Spirit.

 God not only sent us His one and only Son, but also the 

 Great Comforter for when His Son went back to Him...so we would never be alone.

     I've read so many times how God says He will "never leave us or forsake us," but today it didn't click until my Papa said it out loud. He truly has never and will never leave us.  

It's been a rough year and sometimes I get so caught up in my world that I step out of His and forget. Fear takes the Peace and strangles it in dark silence...and I'm left alone. But as we were talking, I could feel the very Spirit we were discussing soothe my troubled soul, and Peace was mine once again because I KNEW...just KNEW that He's been with me. He Sees Me.

Like Naomi in the desert, the one human (a woman I might add), with the gall to NAME GOD. Like her I cry that He is the God who Sees me...and I am at Peace.

Thank you Lord...for You, Your love, and Your most precious Spirit.

Karye <><

Discouraged, yep--Forgotten, heck no!

"I will not forget you! Behold, I have engraved

you on the palms of my hands."

~Isaiah 49:15-16

I don't even know where to start except to say, the Enemy sure has been attacking me and mine lately. It may have something to do with Wednesday night service. It's all coming back to me now. haha. Wednesday we are studying the life of Ezekiel in 2 Kings. We were in chapter 7 and my pastor stopped and asked us if God was providing for the widow and her son even if He had never sent Ezekiel. That led to the discussion of God being good in the hard times even if Christian families are starving, etc. etc. etc. Everyone sounded so down and it made mad, I admit. Sure, this life will throw struggles and hard times our way, but does that make God less? NO! We make Him less. God is still God, even through the hard times. I told everyone this and I also said, what kind of love does that mean we have if life pulls the rug out from under us and we raise our fists to heaven and shout, "You are not good!" Doesn't the scripture say to "have joy in ALL things"? My pastor said that makes us human. I agreed with him, but I said, "Doesn't a God who loves us unconditionally deserve the same love back?" I know we're human, believe me, last time I checked I was too, but I'm tired of hearing that as a scapegoat.

Sure, we're human, we make mistakes. But the God that calls us to follow Him told us what we should expect by doing so. He warned us ahead of time. In the story in Luke where Jesus calls Levi (Matthew) and he drops everything and without questioning, follows Christ, that took some deep trust and faith on his part. In another story, Jesus has someone come up and willingly say, "I will follow you." Jesus then warns him and those around what life will be like to follow Him. It's heartache, it's pain, it's suffering, it's hard, it's tiring, but in the end, through it all if you depended upon His strength to get you through and not your own, it's Joy, it's Light, it's Peace, it's a Strength you never thought could ever be yours, but is there for the taking.

Walking with Christ is hard, but the key word is with Him.

So, why do I feel like the Enemy is striking pretty hard to me and mine? Well, because I shook my fist in his face and said, "I will NOT quit." In the end, everything that I have here on this earth is just on loan to me, that includes my friends and family. My prize...my ultimate goal is not heaven (though that's a bonus), but to see the face of my God and Savior; to hold Him at last in my arms and give Him one of the best hugs I've been saving up--just for Him. To finally tell Him, "I made it. Nothing and no one stood in my way." And to hear His beautiful voice say, "Well done Daughter. Well done."

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished

the race, I have kept the faith."

~2 Timothy 4:7

I encourage those of you who read this blog, to keep on trucking. I don't know what some of you are going through, it's been a very long time since I've talked with most of you about anything deep or personal, but I just want you to know--I'm praying for you brother or sister. We are in this fight to the finish together, and I don't want to leave a man or woman behind. My walk with God is so very important to me. I'm in love with Him. He's my all in all. Draw close to Him, get a hold of His ear--cause you already have His heart. He has not forgotten you, beloved. He see's your struggle and longs to help you. After all, He's on YOUR side. :)

I hold you in my heart,

Karye <.)))><

The One who Sees me

If you stumble across this post, my prayer is that you will be encouraged--that you don't just come to realize but to know you are not alone.

I've gone from a high mountain to where it I felt the Enemy couldn't touch me, to being pulled into a low, low, valley. I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't get in that valley very often, and if I do, I'm definitely not there long enough to make it home. My home has always been on that mountain, that glorious glorious mountain that I inhabit with my Father. But recently issues within my family have started to get to me. It seems as if everyone in my family is going through something different. My sister is going through a time of "finding herself"; my brother is...well...my brother who just wants to do whatever he wants; my dad is lost and drifting in the ocean of life; and my mom just seems to permanently reside in a dark cloud of silence and sadness. Lately the only time her face lights up is when my sister is home or (recently) my dad. When they're here, I feel as if I disappear. Don't get me wrong, I love that they're here (for the most part) and I get to spend time with them. What hurts is I don't bring that smile to my mom's face, I don't light up her face like they do. I've felt alone. I cried out to God and at times I felt even He has forsaken me.

Then, I went to the Women of Joy conference. One of my favorite authors, Liz Curtis Higgs spoke and what she had to say really stuck. What I didn't know then, that I do now, is how much I would need her words. She spoke on Sarah and Abraham, but her focus was on Hagar. In this story, it seems Hagar is used and then tossed aside--but not forgotten. God visited her in the desert beside a river and spoke with her. Hagar was so touched that SOMEONE saw her, that she named Him "You are the God who sees me". It is one thing to know that God knows you and loves you. It is an entirely different thing to be suddenly aware of God's presence and personal care for you. Sarah and Abraham just referred to her in scripture as "the servant girl" and never called her by name, but God did in the desert. He knew her name; He saw her.

God brought this back to me during the past couple of weeks. He reminded me that He sees me even when I feel no one else does. It's been such a Joy and Comfort to me to know, He has His eyes on me. I haven't faded so much that I've disappeared!

And as if that wasn't enough, He reminded me on Sunday through the sermon how much He values me. My pastor spoke on Matthew 13:45-46.

"The Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant on the lookout for choice pearls. When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it!"

I am this pearl that God found and couldn't be without. He gave up everything in order to have me. He gave His Son so I could be His.

And there's no where else I'd rather be then with Him, always.
I am a pearl. And I am HIS--and He is MINE.

So for those of you out there reading this post; this is for you.
You are valued. You are seen. You are loved. You are not forgotten. There is One who sees you, who treasures you, and who will never leave you. You are more precious to Him than you know, and my prayer is you allow Him to show you how much He adores you.

He loves you beloved.

Until next time, I hold ya'll in my heart <.)))><
Karye

Rainy Days and Mondays Don't Get Me Down

So, I know it's been a while, and by that I mean months and months and months, but hey, all the cool kids are doing so why not? (And by cool kids I mean my friends....and you...I see that hand). I can't blog for very long cause I've got lots to do on my Monday. But I did want to leave you with this verse that is my absolute favorite and the reason why rainy days and Monday's can't get me down.

"For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."
~Zephaniah 3:17 (New Living Translation)

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice. To worship you, O my soul, rejoice. Take joy my King. In what you hear. May it be a sweet sweet sound, in Your ear.

I hold you in my heart, <.)))><
Karye

And Now I'm back....

From cyberspace....

Hey guuyyyyysssss! I forgot alllll about this here blog thingy until I saw that Erin had updated hers on facebook. Ahh, bloggers life is swwweeeeettt. This will be a quickie, kay?

I got a full-time job at the library here in my hometown. It's awesome and something I really wanted but when I got the job, two weeks later, I'm feeling lost and empty again. I was talking to my Pastor about it and he said "Seek Jesus." Nothing else will ever satisfy you, NOTHING.

So now, I'm trying my best to seek Jesus. I found that difficult at first since I thought I already HAD Him, but one can always drink from that well and never run dry. Believe me when I say, I'm thirsty and I'm not even to the point where I feel bloated yet!

Life is crazy

Lately, my life has been just a constant stream of crazy. School is winding down and graduation is just around the corner, making me very excited and very nervous. My YIM trip is just around that corner and then I'll be gone for two months. I'm nervous about my trip, mostly because of the different foods that are there. I wish I wasn't a picky eater. I asked my psychology professor in class yesterday if it was possible to hypnotize someone to eat certain kinds of foods, so they would think they like it. He said, sure I don't see why not. So I replied, how much is this going to cost me? But he wouldn't do it, I was serious though. haha. Oh, well. I keep praying that God will change my taste buds and I'm going to keep praying that until the trip is over.

These past couple of weeks school has been going by way too fast. I got behind on two major papers (well, one major paper, the other one.....not so major). I couldn't sleep or anything for the past few days because I was so far behind and all I could think about while I was suppose to be sleeping was "Holy cow, I won't be able to graduate, when am I going to have time to get all of this done?!" But, this past weekend I got caught up on the major paper and last night I finished the other one. Ya! Now this week, I have to tackle all the papers that are due next week so I will be FRRREEEEEEE!

Oh, and I love how when I tell someone in my family something in secret...naturally my whole family knows, and probably others. :/ When will I ever learn? But I love them and wouldn't trade'em for anyone in the world......well.....except maybe for the guy that plays ryan on the O.C. :) :) ahahahaha, welcome to my world!

I can't stop this feeling anymore

Today, I had a break through...sort of. I never realized how a certain time of the month (only in March) I feel really yucky and sick and like I want to crawl into bed and never ever get out again. I realized today why I feel that way around the beginning of March. On March 2, 2004 (the year I graduated) one of my sister's really really close friends and others in Portland, died in a car crash. It was hard on me because he was suppose to graduate with me that year, and we sat beside each other in the back of our 2nd block class (History). He always, always, sat on his legs, never his butt. And he always talked while the teacher was up front, or read a book and tuned the teacher out. He had a habit of skipping, and he lopped when he walked. David Kyle McGee. I get sick whenever March comes around. I never knew why, but I do. His nickname was Scooby because he loved Scooby Doo. He always reminded me of Steve Martin, and whenever I see him, my chest squeezes and my heart hugs itself. I guess that place will always be there inside, the guilt that I should've been a better witness in class. He was sitting there for a reason, right beside me. It hurts to this day, 5 years later. It's not as bad as it was, granted, but I believe it's there as a reminder to never forget how fragile this life really is. I pray I never forget how quickly a life can go.
"A wave tossed on the ocean, a vapor in the wind"
I'm loved by a Mighty Mighty King. That alone soothes me.

Life As We Know It

Hah. The feelings of getting back into the void. I don't hate it, I'll tell ya that. I've missed being able to blog but haven't been able to because of various reasons, but the one that bugs me is that it wouldn't let me sign on and then I realized it was my fault because I forgot my sign in thingy. Oi. haha.

Life, right now, is all about routine for me. I mean, I've always been one for routine, but since all of my closest buds have graduated from Trevecca I've become a hermit...but I hate that word so I'm going to use the word "routiner" to replace it (even if it isn't a word). Life just...exists for me right now. I find no joy in school anymore, I'm so burnt out it's ridiculous. At least with my friends here I could get by. When we were sophomores, my friends and I believed school was just hanging out and having a blast with your pals. Well....if that's the case, school sucks big time for me now. Classes are okay, I mean there going fine. I struggle to go to two of them (Blann and my psychology class). Chapel has become a hardship too, I've become one of those people that sits in the very very very very back of chapel, ya know...the seats no one knew were there. Yep...life is...going. I've been going home on weekends a lot more...reminds me of freshman year. But I've been going home so much this year because of two reasons: no weekend life on campus, and because I love the church my mom and sis are going to. I've decided that when I graduate and live in Nashville...if everything goes according to "plan" (plan is like that because God has a sense of humor) then I'm going to be going to church there on Sundays. It's worth the drive, Erin actually was my inspiration.

The one thing my life consists of now, that has never been so bad in my life ever before, is I've become a movie buff. I have a netflix account so I go to my instant play and watch whatever looks good...if I love it, I buy it at McKay's. I have to buy another movie rack, that's how much my collection has grown. Which is also bad cause I'm spending money on movies I probably don't need. I should stop.

Well, I've been getting ready for Youth In Mission. I'm pretty stoked about it. I seriously can't wait, though my nerves are going crazy. I really want to do this, and I feel that I also need too. I want to more than I feel I should, but I really need to get out of my "comfort zone" especially the routine I've made here at school. No socializing here is going to effect me a lot when I go on the trip, I can already say that much. The only time I get to hang out and have fun is when my aunt comes over (which has been shot down) or whenever my best buds come up from Smithville.

So, that's life as it stands right now. Invigorating huh? Yea, I thought you'd go to sleep. Who can blame ya?

Chasing Sunsets

Chased a sunset today.
Got lost a couple of times but I ended on a hill, front row to the wonderful view I tried so hard to find. Guess what?

I saw the face of God.

This Road

I've been trying to prepare my heart for the trip I'm taking for Youth In Mission. Being forgetful, I forgot my Bible at the school and I've been borrowing my mom's but it's not the same are your own personal Bible. I've got my notes and things that I want to look at that my mom doesn't have in hers, though it's not her fault. So, instead I've been reading my Jars of Clay book that I got many, many, many, moons ago. It's called The Narrow Road and it's about their song This Road. This book is about how the song relates to their travels to Vietnam and China as they went underground to experience the persecuted churches there in those countries. When the band returned to the states, they dedicated the song to the persecuted church and challenged believers to join in prayer for the ministry of our persecuted brothers and sisters. They remind us that we are ALL called to travel this road together. I'll post the lyrics at the end of my entry but as I've been reading this book I'm reminded of where my heart was many years ago. My heart was there, with my persecuted brothers and sisters around the world. My heart was with those millions of miles away. What has hidden that desire today? FEAR.
During my devotions to prepare myself for this amazing experience, I've found out something that's saddened me deeply. I've changed. I know people change as they get older, but there's something inside of me that has changed that God has gifted me with, that I've been embarrassed about.
The gift of Compassion.
Growing up, I was always called the "soft-hearted" one. I accepted it but then I got older and realized how sensitive I was. I was always crying about something or another and I began to look around. I didn't like being thought of as someone that would cry at the drop of a hat, and whether or not others saw me in this light, I thought they did and saw myself that way. So, I hardened myself over time. I would still cry with friends when needed, that was something I didn't want to EVER change. But being so emotional and sensitive about everything else, THAT I wanted desperately to change. As I was pondering over this change in me, I've come to realize that, although I was probably never meant to harden myself, that God can soften my heart again. I don't want to be someone that doesn't feel for others. I had the heart of God and I desired to change it. Crazy! My prayers now, are for God to mold my heart into His once more. I've matured in my sensitivity, and I'm thankful, but I want to hurt with others, I want to feel with them like I was meant too.
So, back the book. haha. I'm easily sidetracked. While reading this amazing book, I've come across some pretty eye-opening revelations. The main question I've realized is this:
Is my God big enough to speak into tragedy with laughter? Do I see the joy in suffering?
Honestly, I've answered no. It's so hard to see the laughter when your crying buckets of tears, and it's difficult to have joy in your heart while it's breaking. But it's POSSIBLE. I'm willing to try, to have that mustered seed of faith that's talked so much about, but never seen.
I'm praying that God will open my eyes to this among other things. It's all about His timing and His perfect will. Who knows? This trip may be the calling that I've put on the back burner for many years. Blessings friends.

This Road

All heavy laden
acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow
carry us home.
From alabaster,
come blessings of laughter
a fragrance of passion
joy from the truth.

Grant the unbroken
tears ever flowing.
From hearts of contrition
only for You.
May sin never hold true
that love never broke thru
For God's mercy holds us
and we are His own.

This road that we travel
may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You
All the day
shelter with fire
Our voices we raise still higher
God gave us peace and grace from You
All the day thru

Holding My Breath

Have you ever had something happen and it caused you to hold your breath and your chest to tighten? Yea, that was my life this morning til the afternoon. Man, was I a jumble of nerves. And, to top it all off, I had a really bad dream last night that felt so real. You know...one of those where your subconscious is afraid of it happening so you dream it. Man...it was bad. In my dream, my mom died and it felt like my world literally fell apart. I woke up this morning in fear and dread because the last thought in my dream before I woke up was...I wish I had told her I loved her one last time and hugged her. Why I had this dream, I dunno. I laid in bed, looking up at the sky (because I moved my bed under the window, I have a thing for them) and my emotions were so craaaaaazy. Finally, I knew what I had to do and I let go. I gave it over to God and for the first time, I ACTUALLY let go. Man it felt great. Took a lot of will power but I did it! When I got up I hugged my mom so tight she squeaked like a mouse. Also, I learned something later this afternoon. Grace, is an AMAZING thing.
On a happy note, because I love happy notes, I got accepted by Youth In Mission for the Creative Access team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Apart of me is thinking...are you really going through with this, and the other part of me (the adventurous part that wishes to get out more often) was thinking, Heck yes!! The adventurous part is winning! I'm so excited! I've been trying to journal and read my Bible, mostly so God can prepare my heart for the trip, but also because I need to be doing it in the first place. Man are my priorities wild. Goodness, but I'm excited. My imagination is bouncing off the walls like a kid with ADHD. haha. Speaking of my brother, Friday is national hug a redhead day, so find that redhead and show'em some love! Ems, I wish I could hug you on Friday!!! I'll try to "send" you one via email. :) I'm going to my Aunt Amber's house tomorrow to make cookies for Christmas. It's a holiday tradition that's been going on since she married my uncle a long time ago, but now I'm the only one going. It's okay, we have a blast anyway, NEVER a dull moment. I'll be there til Saturday or Sunday, then it's back home. My brother's wedding is next Sat. and I'm SO nervous. Guys, I'm a FLOWER GIRL! What's that about? I'm the oldest flower girl I know, and I don't have a dress to wear or the green to buy it. GAH! Okay....I'd better stop before I get worked up again. That's so hard to do when all I can picture is seeing myself walking down the aisle dropping flowers from a basket....oh man. I wasn't this worried about it at first, till I found out more than family will be there (old flames to be exact) not that I care. Okay okay, I do but just because for once, I want to look FANTASTIC. oi.
I hear the bed bugs calling my name. They must be lonely. Night! :)

Devin

Precious Kevin

Devin's sweet grin

Devin being fed by his proud dad (my lil' bro who's not so little anymore)

Blessed Twice

Devin and Kevin

I never thought the day would come when my heart would finally be given to another-only now it's been given to two others! My brother's twins are now the light of my life. It's amazing how one little smile (even if it is because of gas) can capture your heart forever. And the way that their little eyes just stare at you as if soaking you in. My heart pulled as I held these two precious gifts from God, and I knew I was a goner. And when they snuggle close to you as they go back to sleep...gosh. I don't think I've ever envied anyone as much as I did my brother in those moments I held my precious nephews. I wanted to pack them away and run off with them! :)

Devin

I can't even describe how blessed I feel to have these two boys in my life now. Life seems sweeter, richer, brighter than it's ever been before, and their not even my kids. haha. But they feel like they are. Though I didn't give birth to them, my heart now holds places reserved just for their smiles, tears, and laughter. No one will ever be able to take their place, their so precious.

Me holding Devin

I felt so scared when I first held them. It's been a long time since I've held a newborn baby, since my little Correne Rose was born. (not mine, but mine as in my cousin, just so there's no mistake. haha) At first when I held them, I was sooo terrified. Little Devin likes to squirm all over the place. He's the gasiest kid I've ever had to hold. lol. He's so much like my brother, in features and in personality. It's going to be fun watching him grow up and the mess he's going to get him and Kevin into.

Me holding Kevin

When I got to hold Kevin, he was sooo sweet. When you're holding a baby, you have to smell them, it's a rule. He smelled soo sweet and babyish. He's going to be the sweet responsible big brother, though he's only older by 5 seconds. But he won't be able to resist little Devin's smiles and strong personality. Kevin just looks at you the whole time he's being held, when he's not sleeping. He just stares and stares, and when he smiles, it's like a ray of sunshine right through your heart and you know you're a goner. Both of these boys are going to be lookers, and I pray with everything in me that they become men after God's own heart. Like David, only without the adultery and murder. lol.

Father, I lift these precious gifts to you. Though they aren't mine to give, I pray Lord that You keep Your hand upon their lives. Watch over them as they grow, and may they grow ever more in You each day that You lend them breath. Be with their health and keep them strong, may their parent's and the rest of us remember how precious they really are. Thank You for them Father. They are rays of light in the darkness. You never cease to amaze me.

God Knows

God knows, and that is enough for me. WRONG. It should be enough for me that He knows, but it really isn't. That just shows how much faith I have huh? But, His way is ALWAYS best.
Take for instance, my crazy lil' bro. (He doesn't mind I'm sharing this. haha)

My brother has been so different since he hit the age of...oh, I dunno, probably 16 or so. Possibly earlier than that he wasn't the same because he started talking back, which changed to treating my mom really bad (he loved her, he's just got that Irish temper). He stopped going to church and believing in God, and all the girls he dated were horrible for him. I admit, I didn't like ANY of his girlfriends. I didn't didn't they were good enough for him and they definitely weren't any help for him spiritually. I seemed to be the only person he would listen too, and when I would come home from college we would talk. Eventually, to make a long story short, my brother eventually moved in with his girlfriend and she ended up pregnant with twins. They were born on October 15th 2008, our sister's birthday. :) They're the cutest little things. I wouldn't want to trade them for the world, so that's one good thing (or in this case two) that has come from what we thought was going to be tragic. Another good thing, and THE best one of all, my brother and his girlfriend accepted Jesus this past Sat! Man, it's a great feeling. Of course, I didn't know this would the be result of everything he had to go through and do to get to this point, but God knew. He could've made it a lot easier on my brother in a couple of things, but He's a loving God who let my brother make his own way, and that way eventually led back to his TRUE FATHER.

That's helped me take comfort in the unknown and unexplained, no not UFOs or aliens. :) God is so much bigger than my happiness, pain, ecstasy, anger, whatever the emotion, my God can handle it all. He's good like that. :) In EVERY situation, it's only for HIS good and my WELL-BEING that HE'S the one holding my hand, and leading me. Lately I've been the one doing the leading, the blind leading the all-knowing. funny huh? But, God has reminded me of WHO I am and WHERE HE'S brought me from. I could never have done anything without Him, though in my ignorance I've chosen too at times. I'm doing my best to change that.

Lord, lead me. Guide me, comfort me, remind me that YOU are the only One who could ever love me like I deserve. Hold me Father. I'm Yours, and Yours alone.

Holding Hands

One of my friends at work said something funny today that I, of course, decided to think on and dissect. A couple came down to the IRC and they were holding hands. My friend said, "I hate it when couples hold hands and absolutely won't let go! As if letting go means they are lost to each other forever!" She then proceeded to tell me a story about a couple who were holding hands and going through a door. They couldn't fit together because it was too small and instead of letting the other hand go and going through and reclaiming it again, they trickly made their way through without letting go.

God's like that. He doesn't want to let go of my hand, but I'm constantly pulling away. It reminds me of the beginning of the lifehouse video. The part where the girl is enticed away from a dance with God to dance with a cute guy (whom I've always believed to be the "boyfriend", good or bad). I don't have a guy to distract me from God, I have TONS of them. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have any beaus or what have you. I'm just me....Karye Cook....always seeking for love from the wrong people when I should be focused on a Person, Almighty God.
God never wants to break that hold on me. Why O why would I want to break my hold with HIM?????

I know I've posted twice in one day...so sue me. :) consider it a blessing. ha

Jesus, THE best friend

Jesus would be the absolute greatest friend.
He wouldn't get bored with you and move on to someone else.
He wouldn't use you to get when He wanted/needed for Himself.
He wouldn't put you down, point out your flaws, or talk about you behind your back.
He would stand up for you when others talked poorly of you.
He would listen to you. Be happy when you were, and sad when you weren't.
He would sit around and waste an afternoon with you. Just because.
He would care and love you more than He did Himself.
He would give you shotgun everytime.
He's the only one that can love more than ANYone that you know.
(This is taken from someone elses blog site, I liked it so much I had to have it on mine...just so you know it's not from my own thoughts. haha)

It's amazing how ridiculous I can be whenever I'm longing for that perfect friend and confidant and He's all around me...waiting. Honestly, sometimes I wish God weren't so passive/aggressive. Forget my free will God, You know what's best for me, do yo thing! But no, I have to be taught a lesson, I have to learn and understand that I CAN'T live this life on my own. Sure I could choose too, but life wouldn't be worth living without the only One that gives me breath.

Pretenders

I'm tired of pretending. Sometimes I get so fed up with...everything. I wish I could explain better, I wish I could just let it out, to finally let go. Sometimes, when you wear a mask for so long, it becomes who you are. Fits your body until you eventually won't be able to get it off, no matter how hard you try. I miss the "old" me.

this song by Shaun Groves is so amazing, and I've heard it a couple of times on the radio but its never really sunk in until recently. Funny how music on matters when the meanings match.

Take me, make me all You want me to be
That's all I'm asking -All I'm asking

Welcome to this heart of mine
I'm buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me - come decorate, Lord,
And open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remains
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the person I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded

Come inside this heart of mine -It's not my own -Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it All Your own -Welcome Home

Take a seat - pull up a chair -Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning,
And every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered -I'm overwhelmed
I understand I can't make this place all that You
I took this space that You placed in me,
Redecorated in shades of greed,
And I made sure every door stayed locked -Every window blocked -
And still, You knocked,
Take me, make me all You want me to be --
That's all I'm asking -All I'm asking

I've felt so disconnected lately. Like I'm just watching myself from afar, wishing for...something. Do you ever get the urge to just, disappear? I'm learning that things aren't what they seem. I should know. Do you like riddles? I personally hate riddles, then I found out I'm living one. I feel calm, like right before a driving rain. Everything that I've been holding back is begging for release. I can't let that happen.
This, my friends is what happens when you think too much. You drive yourself mad.

My Sweet Nephews
My little twin nephews were born on October 15th, 2008. They weren't due until December but they had other plans and entered the world at 4lbs. The top picture is of Devin who has red hair like his daddy. :) The bottom picture is of the eldest son Kevin, who is older by 5 seconds. He has dark hair and they're the cutest little things!! I can't wait to hold them and spoil them rotten! :)
Thank You Lord for these two. Only You know how much they mean to my family, especially to my brother. I adore them Father.

Woman After God's Own Heart

I want more than anything to be the title of this new post, only more than a title. I feel God tugging my heart strings so often, especially when I start...and this is kinda embarrassing...but especially when my attention starts straying to good lookin' men of God. That's right, you've caught me. :) Why, you ask, does He especially do this when I look (and not touch mind you)? Because in my heart I know, and it's what He's telling me by tugging those strings, that I'm not ready. As much as I long to shower someone with all the love I possess in my heart, I know that a relationship would take me away from God, and it seems like we've just started getting to know each other. My heart still longs to be cherished, but God tugs and reminds me, "Karye, I cherish you. I hold you. I love you. Allow me to shower you with my affection. You are loved." Shouldn't that be enough!? (that's to all you peps out there that read and comment)
Aw man, God, I long for it to be! But I also can't help feeling like I'm incomplete somehow, even though You're a huge part of my life, my everything. Could it be that You really aren't these things because of some fault of my own? I can always dig deeper, pray harder, love more, worship often...but I still feel so far away and lacking a part of me in someway. I'm always trying to perfect myself before coming to You, but then I realize, You love me just as I am. Of course I'm going to strive to be more like You, but such a weight has lifted off my shoulders knowing that I am loved despite my longing for someone else. How that must break Your heart and it hurts me to think that I'm hurting You. Be my everything!

Lament

Deep down, I'm your enemy.
The sweetness I exude on the outside
masks the true darkness that lurks beneath.
The reality is, I'm the liar of liars.
I've become so great at lying to myself,
it means nothing to hurt the ones I cherish.
The more I lie the more truth I see, or so it seems.
I'm changing, my exterior hardening and along with
it comes the changing of who I am inside.
It's becoming harder and harder to relate
to others through the Gift God has given me.
I'm becoming selfish, caught up in my needs
and the struggles that eat at my flesh and gnaw at my bones.
Through all the demons that come to destroy my heart,
I still have a piece untouched that longs for release.
I see light in the darkness that's slowly seeping in.
Jesus' fist is clenched, arm outstretched.
Whatever is inside He has chosen to keep safe,
valuing this object "precious" above all the others
being destroyed by sins eroding acid.
In his fist clenched so tight is my precious heart,
the essence of who I am, and who God made me to be.
When I've been beaten down where shame becomes my name,
and I feel like I'm about to break, that last piece of me that's
left untouched, is my saving Grace.
As soon as I release myself, I take it all back again,
needing the comfort of my sin.
When, Father, will this torture end?